Explanations for Aliens: Grad Students

2009 April 14
by mockers

alienclip-300x3001Due to the high cost of intergalactic surveillance, and hard times everywhere, we here at Mockable dot org have decided to aid our alien friends by serving as field agents. The observation of human activity must surely be an expensive proposition, and we are interested in helping defray some of those costs.  Therefore, we will be offering a series of reports, explaining in simple terms what must be completely baffling to visitors from other galaxies. Our goal is to be a fully-integrated planet Earth solution, and an indispensable resource for the alien on a budget!

Wooo! Yes, I am a pirate, thanks for asking. Wooo!

A desire for an advanced education is quite common among the human race.  After successfully completing an eighteen year instructional period, humanoids often undertake an extended educational effort.  This period of at least four years is generally spent upside-down, drinking from a shiny metal cylinder.  This period can also be identified by general irresponsibility, promiscuity, oversized smiles and the frequent screaming of the word, “Wooo!”

Some humanoids complete the aformentioned educational period and undertake efforts of reproduction, often with a mate that they chose during the previous period – based on his or her ability to drink from the cylinder longer than other potential mates.   Others immediately surrender themselves to a lifetime of slavery within thin walls constructed of molded plastic, a bit of metal and inexpensive carpet.  A surprisingly large portion of the population choose both slavery and reproduction.  This practice often causes a phenomenon that network television refers to as “clinical depression”.

A tiny percent voluntarily choose a fate worse than reproduction and slavery combined.  These individuals are referred to as “grad students” and can generally be identified by out-of-style emo glasses, unfortunate facial hair and long-winded editorials containing the word “zeitgeist” or “ham-fisted”.  The grad student is incapable of admitting that any attempt at art or expression is worthwhile and are known to engage each other in finding the most humorous method of tearing down a particular work.  This is ironic, of course, because the grad student is also incapable of admitting that the putdowns themselves are creative or original, rendering the exercise academic.  Coincidentally,  academic appears to be an appropriate adjective to describe their entire unfortunate existance.

It is difficult for your humble agents to determine exactly why these individuals would voluntarily choose such a lifestyle, as most of the humanoids currently studying this phenomenon are grad students themselves.  Upon examining their general demeanor and actions in public, this agent can only speculate that they do these things in a futile attempt to gain some kind of acceptance from their parental units who either drank too much or loved their brother more than them.  When this effort fails to garner the intended result, the grad student is often reduced to taking their anger out on the internet via community weblogs. This action generally causes them to feel better for a bit, but it will never equal the hug from Daddy that they’ll never, ever realize.

It's like extra-innings of college...you know, without all the fun...at least I'm smarter than you...
It’s like extra innings of college…you know, without all the fun…at least I’m smarter than you…

I hope this report proves helpful.  As always, I will be standing in the cornfield every Thursday at midnight, in case you should have follow-up questions.   This concludes today’s broadcast by Agent 8675309.

7 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 April 14
    2Tall permalink

    Dear Aliens-
    Please feel free to capture as many “grad students” for study as you’d like. There are many variations in color and douche-iness. Austin TX is absolutely overrun with them; any of whom would be willing to tell you how exceptional they are.

  2. 2009 April 14

    Dear Agent 8675309 Jenny,

    If all possible, when you give the grad students the anal probe,
    can you sterilize them as well? That would be wonderful to keep the
    douchebags from reproducing and spawning a future generation of



  3. 2009 April 14
    Charles Watson permalink

    Eugene / Springfield Oregon, there are tons of them there, please, please take them to your world for study, take their smelly, hippie friends too!

  4. 2009 April 15

    I’m friends with a lot of Ph.Ds, so they’re not all bad. Maybe they mellow out after leaving grad school?

  5. 2009 April 15

    Rampant misplacement of quotes INSIDE full stops (aka: ‘periods’) is making this former grad student flinch.

    It’s utterly mismatic, this quagmire of mispunctuativity. And I’m an MS in Immunology – imagine what the English majors are experiencing! Think of the scholars, won’t you?

    Udder-n’ dat, this is scarily accurate reportage. I expect our alien overlords to arrive soon. Off to make my tinfoil helmet!

  6. 2009 April 15

    Grad Students = people who couldn’t make it in the business world so they went back to school.

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