Explanations for Aliens: Human Hands and Human Hand Washing

Due to the high cost of intergalactic surveillance, and hard times everywhere, we here at Mockable dot org have decided to aid our alien friends by serving as field agents.

The observation of human activity must surely be an expensive proposition, and we are interested in helping defray some of those costs.  Therefore, we will be offering a series of reports, explaining in simple terms what must be completely baffling to visitors from other galaxies.

Our goal is to be a fully integrated planet Earth solution, and an indispensable resource for the alien on a budget!

Relatively speaking, humans are an extremely primitive species. When they wish to inspect, move, or otherwise manipulate a tangible Earth object, they find that they lack even the most basic technology required for telekinesis. Should they wish to interact with each other, they also discover themselves unable to enjoy the benefits of astral projection…or any sort of esotericism, for that matter. For any and all of these activities, the poor humans must rely on a concept that alien societies would find both grotesque and unthinkable: the concept of physical touch.

As unpleasant a message as it is to relay, it is the truth. Human beings make use of a pair of hook-like appendages which they refer to as “arms” that protrude from the base of their primary tenement, these “arms” come complete with a set of phalanges affixed to the end of the hook that the humans refer to as “hands and fingers”. By manipulating a series of muscular and skeletal pullies and levers, the humans are able to use these “arms”, “hands”, and “fingers” to procure and manipulate objects, as well as interact with each other.  Regardless of what disgusting foreign substance or living microscopic organism might be slathering the object of the human’s desire, they generally do not hesitate to “reach out” with their “hands” and “grab” the object. Almost immediately after physically interacting with the object, a human is known to “accidentally” rub the microscopic foreign substances around, on, and into their nasal cavity, thereby introducing the foreign substance into their central nervous system. To use a phrase that is as blunt as it is arcane, these fuckers are gross.

Throughout the history of this young species, countless humans have accidentally killed themselves and others by the very method of “touching” things and then immediately “touching” themselves or others. I was once on a reconnaissance mission to a human establishment known as “Buffalo Wild Wings” within which these humans were seen devouring several small chicken carcasses that were covered in sugar, puréed tomato, and fecal matter from the “hands” of a seventeen-year-old line cook named “Tristan”. It is unclear just how many humans perished that day.

A further example of the primitive nature of human “touching” is the 1847 account of Hungarian physician, Ignaz Semmelweis. Before Semmelweis’s intervention, his colleagues at the Vienna Hospital were performing autopsies with their bare “hands” and then immediately assisting women with childbirth…also with their bare “hands”. I have little doubt that the physicians didn’t think twice about taking an enormous dump in between. They would then don their most confused look and wonder aloud, “Why are these postpartum women dead from massive infection from puerperal fever?!” Again, this is a very naive species. Semmelweis eventually dictated that all physicians would “wash” their “hands” in a chloride and water solution. As if by magic, humans had a greater chance of surviving a trip to the Vienna Hospital.  For his efforts, Semmelweis was not reappointed to the obstetrics unit…and he eventually died unknown and unappreciated from injuries sustained in a Viennese insane asylum. Still, humans owe Semmelweis a debt of gratitude for inventing a concept that is now commonly known by humans as, “washing your goddamned hands”.

Today, “washing your goddamned hands” is accomplished via a handy contraption that humans refer to as a “sink” (pictured below). This device delivers hot water and a cleaning solution referred to as “soap” at the human’s demand. The “sink” is an innovation that will undoubtedly save the greatest number of human lives possible until they can finally develop appropriate telekinetic technology and rid their species of the need for “arms” forever.

There is, however, one thing that I cannot figure out. Nearly all human experts recommend the species “wash their goddamned hands” for at least 20 Earth seconds. Due to concerns surrounding the amount of energy required to heat and deliver water to these “sinks”, this particular model of “sink” delivers approximately 3 seconds of hot water per button push. Therefore, in order to properly “wash” one’s “hands”, a human must push the button four times, all while their “hands” are covered with any number of germs, microbes, and Buffalo wing sauces. Attempting to “wash one’s goddamn hands” using this type of “sink” is an exercise in madness.

Finally, despite the fact that the practice of “washing your goddamned hands” is centuries old, many humans don’t seem to understand the proper method of going about it. If they elect to wash their goddamned hands at all, the primitive fools tend to jam their “hands” under the water, get them thoroughly soaked, and then conduct some sort of excited, spastic,  imaginary symphony with both hands and fingers flailing about. By the time they are finished, they have turned the Buffalo Wild Wings bathroom into some sort of bastardized water park with bad Muzak and the sports page tacked up above the urinal. Sometimes I hate this assignment.

I hope this report proves helpful.   I will be standing in line to get a hot dog in case you should have follow-up questions.   This concludes today’s broadcast by Agent 8675309.