Explanations for Aliens: Mockable World of Sports

2009 August 25
by mockers

alienclipDue to the high cost of intergalactic surveillance, and hard times everywhere, we here at Mockable dot org have decided to aid our alien friends by serving as field agents.

The observation of human activity must surely be an expensive proposition, and we are interested in helping defray some of those costs.  Therefore, we will be offering a series of reports, explaining in simple terms what must be completely baffling to visitors from other galaxies.

Our goal is to be a fully-integrated planet Earth solution, and an indispensable resource for the alien on a budget!

While examining the creatures of Earth, it is very common to find them engaging in activities that appear to have been designed to perpetuate their particular species in some way.  In fact, most Earthen animals do little else.  Whether hunting and gathering, storing food, dancing to attract a mate or even engaging in procreative activities, almost all available energy is spent in an effort to do nothing more than make it to the next generation.  Except that dog over there…he’s licking his balls…anyway…

Human beings serve as the most frequent exception to this rulewatching reality television, shopping for handbags, masturbating to youtube videos and sobbing uncontrollably while Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan fall in love for the eighth time do nothing to advance the human species.  In fact, I’m told by other intergalactic life forms that these actions have made humans the laughing stock of the universe.

It appears that a disproportionate amount of this “wasted” time deals with the playing and/or observing and/or evaluating of relatively short periods of physical exertion that are often referred to as “sports”.  Most sports can be identified by the brightly dressed humanoids attempting to deposit some sort of token into a net and/or basket and/or hole while a crowd of largely impotent men scream their support or discouragement of the actions taking place.

Occasionally these “sports” will be played by the juvenile version of the human race while their adult supervisors scream that the vicarious experience provided to them by their offspring is not sufficient.  Finally, one may often encounter individuals that constantly yammer on about the performance of a particular sports player or team, relative to identifiable circumstances.  These people are referred to as “stat nerds” and they are clearly in the worst shape of all the humanoids that rely on “sporting events” to bring them joy. The “stat nerd” has neglected their species-promulgating duties in the name of “sports” so often that the event itself can no longer bring them joy.  They must dissect each and every moment of the sport and force their findings on guys who were just looking for an excuse to drink too much in the middle of the day rather than mow the lawn.  It used to be permissible to shoot the stat geek rather than endure their incessant rambling. Fortunately, the invention of the internet has now given them an outlet that almost makes them tolerable.  Occasionally it is almost cute to watch them naively post their findings to harmlessly disappear into the unread oblivion like so many farts in the wind.

Finally, it is not clear what one has to do for their favorite activity to qualify as a “sport”.  While the general exerting of energy while wearing goofy clothes is a good start, there are no universal rules that will qualify an activity as a sport.  In fact, many daily activities have been translated into multi-billion dollar entertainment.  For example, the following is a picture of one of the greatest “bicyclists” the world has ever known:


Okay, not really.


A little more realistic

Now, for your viewing pleasure, a guy who’s on a bike because he lost his license after driving under the influence one too many times:


I ride competitively!

To sum things up, this reporter has created this handy little scorecard that can be used to determine exactly how fruity and mockable a particular sport is.  Feel free to cut it out and enjoy!

I hope this report proves helpful.   I will be standing in line to get a hot dog in case you should have follow-up questions.   This concludes today’s broadcast by Agent 8675309.

Activity Mockability Points Total
Wearing of spandex 5
Wearing of spandex so tight that genitals are clearly exposed 7
Removal of clothes around members of the same sex without “total gayness” as a stated objective 10
Laying hands upon or rolling on the floor with members of the same sex without “total gayness” as a stated objective 11
Performing daily activities in a competitive way (i.e. walking, driving a car, riding a bike, looking for food, etc.) 5
Performing daily activities in a competitive way while wearing of spandex so tight that genitals are clearly exposed 12
Sports that require no more physical exertion than walking 9
Sports that require no more physical exertion than walking AND require a helmet 14
Bowling 15
3 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 August 25

    Tommy Tutones would love your agent number. Thanks Jenny…

  2. 2009 August 25

    I would like to have sex with the first bicyclist, so I can write about it—in my Blog. Did you know I have a Blog?

  3. 2009 August 25
    metten permalink

    I see what you did there Nutty Professor. Not cool man…not cool.

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