Explanations for Aliens: Reality Television

2009 May 14
by mockers

alienclip-300x300Due to the high cost of intergalactic surveillance, and hard times everywhere, we here at Mockable dot org have decided to aid our alien friends by serving as field agents.

The observation of human activity must surely be an expensive proposition, and we are interested in helping defray some of those costs.  Therefore, we will be offering a series of reports, explaining in simple terms what must be completely baffling to visitors from other galaxies.

Our goal is to be a fully-integrated planet Earth solution, and an indispensable resource for the alien on a budget!

As I am sure you are aware, the “television” is a flickering box of moving pictures that humans stare at in an effort to pass the time between birth and death.  While even the most primitive civilizations throughout the history of the universe have mastered the device known as “the television”, the planet Earth seems to be the only one that has proven stupid enough to develop the “reality” genre of television programs. 

 The “reality” formula is simple and easy to duplicate.  First,  a producer chooses a “skill” at random.  These skills include  (but are not limited to) singing karaoke, dancing pathetically for nickels at the end of your career, shameless whoredom (literal or figurative), being a fatass and cooking.  The producer then chooses a group of “contestants” based on the available combinations that create the greatest amount of conflict (or occasionally greatest cup size) and arranges for them to “perform” this “skill” in front of cameras and occasionally “judges”.  The “judges” then do something unpleasant to cause the “contestants” to leave the “show” one at a time.  The removal of the contestants is always described with some unnecessarily violent verb including (but not limited to): “eliminate” or “fire” or “fuckin’ throw off a building” or “chop” or “vote off the island” or  “gang rape with a kitchen broom”. 

This removal allows for that feeling of “conflict” within the very gullible that most humans used to require in their scripted television. Incidentally, the “Jedi Mind Trick” and “Billy Mays” were created for these same sad humanoids. 

The witless watchers of these programs inevitably find themselves caught up in the carefully crafted “personalities” of the “contestants” and continue to tune in their television sets weekly to see if “their” “contestant” is the one to get “gang raped with a kitchen broom”.  Amazingly, the viewers are such suckers that they continue to watch the program even after “their” “contestant” has been “fired” so that they can make sure that “the asshole” doesn’t “win”. 

Occasionally the “stars” of the shows become so popular with the humanoid rubes that they are allowed to continue within the “reality television circuit” and appear on several of these “shows”.  The mere fact that the phrase “reality telvision circuit” exists on the planet should stand among the greatest sources of embarrassment for the human race. 

It is hoped that the millions of chumps that assist in the perpetuation of the reality television scam will one day recognize the ruse of showing them the same goddamned show over and over again and stop watching.  This agent hopes that it happens within his lifetime…goddamnit.

I hope this report proves helpful.  As always, I will be standing in the cornfield every Thursday at midnight, in case you should have follow-up questions.   This concludes today’s broadcast by Agent 8675309.

5 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 May 14
    kristin permalink

    so many quotation marks…..

  2. 2009 May 14
    metten permalink

    I’m doing ellipses tomorrow.

  3. 2009 May 15

    Ellipses are cool!

    The reality of TV is that it sucks.
    Drinking beer every evening while cooking, gardening, woodworking, reporting to aliens via the web, etc… are much better persuits.

    Beer is the key to life!

  4. 2009 May 15
    Taiwan On permalink

    Excellent use of “quotation marks”. The dog is barking…

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