Five Ways People Annoy the Piss Outta Me (when attempting to communicate)

1.  By calling me in response to a text message.

• I obviously know your friggin’ number.  If I had wanted to talk to your ass, I would have called.  And don’t give me that “I was driving” bullshit.  It’s dangerous to talk on the phone and drive too.  And then there’s “there was just too much to say for me to text.”  Bullshit. When writing is concerned, thrift is a virtue.  Condense, asshole.  I’ve pretty much decided that I’m not answering the phone when you call me in response to a text message because it’s getting harder and harder to keep from answering the phone, “Hello you stupid, ignorant inconsiderate fuck.  What do you want?”

2. By returning my call without listening to my voicemail.

• I don’t like talking on the phone anyway.  Most of the time I am happy to get a voicemail.  I take the time to relay the pertinent information into the recording device and the job is done.  I am especially happy because I have relayed the message and I don’t have to talk on the phone.  The recipient of the message is better off because they can get the necessary information without having to talk to such a bitter and angry man.  Everyone’s a winner…until you’re foolish enough to look at the caller ID and call me back immediately without bothering to listen to the voicemail.  “Hello?”  “Hey, I saw you called,  what did you want?” “I left you a voicemail.”  “Yeah, I didn’t listen to it.  I saw you called and I just called you right back.”  “Well, asshole…instead of making me repeat myself like some sort of inconsiderate douchhole, why don’t you hang up, listen to the voicemail that I took the time to leave and call me back if you have any questions? You undoubtedly will since you are too stupid to understand how fucking voicemail works.”

3. By calling me back when I didn’t leave a voicemail.

• Most of the time, I am calling to relay some sort of information.  These bits of information invariably come with a certain priority level.  Sometimes I want to say, “Dude!  That Flaming Lips song with the drum part that goes boom, whap…boom, whap….boomwhapcrash! is on the radio.  Quick, turn it on!”  Other times I want to say, “The meeting is cancelled.”  If it is the former – I will not leave a message because the song will be over and there would be no reason to discuss it any further.  If it is the latter, I will leave a message.  If I don’t leave a message, don’t fucking call me back.  I can feel my chest tightening as I imagine spending finite resources such as time and breath on repeating what song was on the radio three hours ago.  Oh well, considering the stuff listed under #2 – you’ll probably call me regardless.

4. By texting like a 14 year-old girl or by texting me the letter ‘k’.

• It was one thing when we had to hit the ‘7’ four times to dial an ‘s’, but those times are gone.  You have a full friggin’ qwerty keyboard.  When you text me “ur mkn a bg thng ovr nthin!” you look like an asshole.  A 14 year old girl asshole.  Go listen to the Jonas Brothers and leave me the hell alone.  Further, if I am not important enough to you to type the letter ‘o’, I don’t want to receive messages from you.  I mean, I don’t think it’s too much to ask you to respond with “okay” but if you’re gonna be that way about it, the least you can do is “ok.”  I mean seriously – am I such an asshole that I don’t even deserve an ‘o’?  I suppose it’s possible.

5. By using redundant phrases like ‘hot water heater’ or ‘lettuce salad.’

• The name of the appliance is “water heater”.  It’s not a “hot water heater”.  There is no reason to heat water that is already hot, you dolt.  Further, if you made a macaroni salad, or some other pasta salad, or a fruit salad – say that.  There is, however, no reason to say “lettuce salad”.  If you don’t say otherwise, lettuce is implied, shitdick.  I could list some more, but I am out of time and pissed off.  Stay tuned for the lunch time update about my battle with the Florida toilet rats….until then – latr bytchz!