Flu-Like Symptoms Blog

Don’t you hate when people post things in a public forum about the size, consistency and frequency of their bowel movements?  Me too, so I am not going to do that.  Let’s just say that I am happy to have had a solid start to the day for the first time in a week.

Considering the fact that it’s a really busy time of year and considering the fact that I just sent out an email to all of the previous contributors to mockable encouraging them to write more and considering the fact that I just posted the good news that my book is actually going to see the light of day and therefore I should be building an army – this week was a terrible time to spend days sitting on the toilet while vomiting into the tub.

I’ve always talked about it, but I think this time I am really going to invent and market the “flu-like symptoms drawer” for the toilet.  I have to get the engineering figured out, but basically it will be an apparatus that somehow folds out of the bowl when a button is pushed and extends between the user’s legs.  It’s official purpose would be to catch the stuff that’s coming out of your mouth while other stuff is coming out of…other places.  Secondary uses could be to hold your media devices while you are using the facilities/hiding in the bathroom from your in-laws.  I think a good tertiary use would be a place to set your Gatorade for marathon sessions.  The possibilities are endless.  I will now open the bidding to entertain proposals from venture capitalists.

Now that I’ve got that off my chest, I will try to make it up to you by embarrassing the crap out of myself.  When I get a “comedy” idea.  I email it to myself with the word “bit” in the subject line.  About once a month I have an idea that goes over pretty well.  The vast majority of the ideas are cringe worthy  shitty. For example:

• Regarding crab fishing on television: it’s not fishing if you are not hunting for fish
• The time I was scarred for life: Masturbating to my dad’s old playboys from the 50’s and I realized that all the women in here are either grandmothers or dead.  Then I became intrigued by an ad for a console stereo. I started reading the copy and then my dad walked in on me.  If you think it’s awkward when you’re caught jerking it, just wait until you’re caught reading an ad for “The Georgian by Capeheart” while laying on the bed with your dick in your hand. “You seem really fond of that stereo, son.”
• On scandals: It’s been almost 40 years.  Can we stop sticking “gate” at the end of every scandal?  I mean, don’t you think we’ve hit bottom when you’re calling the latest scandal “Skimming money from the pension fund and using it to open your own custom liquor store-gate?”

It goes on like that forever. I guess my lucrative stand up career might be a few years off.  Anyway, we’ll be back tomorrow with a guest mock by someone who knows what they’re doing.