Friday Guest Mock: A Letter to the Morbidly Obese Guy that sits next to me at Community College

Happy Friday Everybody!  Today’s post is another gem in our Friday Guest Mock Series from our friend Big Bear in Ohio. Despite the fact that this is a pity guest mock – written because I whined twice about the lack of comments and then called you guys “wang smokers”  – it’s still a really fun read.  As a gesture of my gratitude to Big Bear in Ohio for this contribution to his “fourteenth favorite website”, I am going to introduce him to a friend of mine that has a sweet tooth for “big bears.”  No need to thank me…I am just naturally generous like that. Enjoy:

Dear really fat guy,

I know that I’m being a little bit crude here when I call you really fat guy, but I’m 6’3 and 285, and you eclipse me in size. Not in height, mind you, but in girth and amount of space taken up in cubic centimeters…and I’m okay with that. I’ve seen you nail down a pair of snickers bars pre-class, and I’ve gone on a late night taco run or two myself, but Jesus man, every time you come in, you’ve got a large Arby’s milkshake in your hand. That’s got to be not only expensive, because Arby’s is like the Cadillac of Fast Food (That is, overpriced for what it does), and because it’s like a thousand liquid calories. Eating habits aside, I still really can’t stand you. Not only do you spread your girth across three different desks, but you also require me to move every time you sit down, because you have to have your chair and two desks, since you cannot fit into a normal size desk like the rest of us.

I’m not sure where you get ironic t-shirts in a 6XL, but obviously you’ve got that market cornered, with your cotton pup tent size shirts emblazoned with such pithy phrases as “No Fat Chicks” and “Give me back my dollars, and you can keep the change”. We get it, you don’t approve of the government. That’s great, but once I’ve heard it once, I’m sure I’ll remember those views. When you talk about deporting “all them foreigners, even the legal ones” you do realize that at one point, all of our families were immigrants, right? Also, I’m not sure if you got the memo, but loudly spouting your political views in the middle of a class on history does not make you any more credible.

I’d also like to address the fact that you say you work private security. The classroom we are in is on the second floor. You ride the elevator up every day. I’m not sure what kind of security you provide, but I would assume it is not patrol, on foot or distance related, as it seems that just the elevator ride makes you wheeze with exertion. Granted, I’m not in great physical shape, but I still can run a twelve minute mile, and can do five to six miles on an elliptical fairly easily without passing out. I’m not sure what you need the Asp telescoping baton for at community college, unless it has to do with making sure nobody gets in front of you in the cafeteria, but I can tell you now, I don’t think you’ll be running criminals down in your present state.

Also, to close this letter, I’d like to take this opportunity to let you know that you are not cool because you take notes on a computer, it merely means you are too lazy to write out your actual notes–especially because every test in here is open note, but only with handwritten notes. What is the point of typing notes that you’ll just have to hand write later? Oh, that’s right, according to your last rant, you’re smarter than the teacher, and every student in the classroom. I sincerely doubt that, considering the professor has a pair of Ph. D’s, and has written a number of textbooks on his own, and at least two of your peers in the classroom are still high school students who will graduate this year with associates degrees–I sincerely doubt you are smarter than any of them. So, in closing, sit down, shut up and quit spouting ridiculous political nonsense.

Thanks in advance,
Big Bear in OH

We’re totally out of guest mocks and could really use some more…especially if you haven’t written one in a while.  You know the drill – no manifestos or racial slurs – otherwise fire them off the mockable (at) gmail and we’ll throw it up here on Friday morning or some other day when metten drank too much the night before (which is most nights).  Thanks! We really appreciate it.