Friday Guest Mock: A Open Letter to My Highly Educated Coworker

Welcome to another installment of our freaking awesome guest mock series.  This one is really good and we are grateful to have it.  I was asked to “disguise” the author a bit this time to keep “her” from having to defend “herself” from degree-swinging academics bent on revenge. So this one is from our pal “Stephen” in “New Hamshire.” Enjoy: 

I appreciate that you attended two of the finest private Universities in the “New Hampshire” (-ed) and that your ugly-ass Honda Element has a Vanity Tag with a pretty low number license plate hoorahing your graduate degree alma mater.  I do truly, but if you talk down to me once more, I will knock your skinny, condescending ass to the floor with my un-college educated right hook.

In the two years that you have been employed here in a position you consider to be higher than mine but my 19 years and corner window office, right-hand-to-the-boss-man-I-get-paid-more-an-hour-than-you position begs to differ.  I am in charge of this here motherfucker, so cease and desist with trying to go around me to get the shit you want done–if you haven’t noticed, you get politely steered back to my office with the request or as soon as you walk out to return to your windowless dungeon it gets handed to me with a polite request of “could you handle this, please.”

Yes, I understand that between you and your parents, a good 100k in 1970s dollars was spent educating you, but I don’t see you currently doing any job related in any way to what you were educated for.  What you are actually doing could be done by anyone we chose to hire–not a lot of training necessary–but you came highly recommended and are apparently trustworthy around the monies, which these days counts for a lot.  It’s certainly not your wonderful personality and irritating ass voice.  Jesus H. Christ, your husband must be deaf–how else could he listen to that nasal whine all the time?

And, yeah, I DIDN’T go to college.  What of it?  I chose another path–and never regretted it.  I did; however, have the second highest SAT score in my class and scored above the 95th percentile on every standardized test I ever took from the first grade to graduation.   So, do not ask me “if that makes sense” one more time.  I have a pretty good grasp of the English language and what you have to say most likely won’t make sense only if you speak in Klingon.

You know what?  You should totally write one of these.  If you do, we’ll be happy to plug other stuff that you’re working on while saying nice things about your silly fake tan. Just send it to mockable at gmail dot com and after we check it over to make sure you’re not a psycho and we’re not gonna get in trouble, we’ll slap that sucker up there on the first available Friday (or some other day when I am too hungover to write).  Thanks a lot!