Friday Guest Mock: An Open Letter to Friends, Neighbors and “The Complainer”

This weekly installment of our Guest Mock series is being handled by longtime surf reporter, Sean.  In short, it rocks.  I have nothing to link to or any other particulars about Sean, so I suggest you just read this piece over and over again, commenting every time.

And now for the cruel, cruel mockery….

Friends and Neighbors:

 Today, I had a visit from a County Animal Control Officer. I’m writing this for two reasons. First to let you all know that should any of you, at any time, for any reason, have any issue, whether it be my dog, my kids, my wife (that’s a joke, Ladies) or myself…..COME TALK TO ME. You all know where I live, even though my name is not on the mailbox. I am very approachable, generally in a decent mood, and genuinely interested in maintaining a ‘neighborly’ relationship with you all. My second reason for writing to all of you is that I am forced to in order to address this issue with the offended party, as Animal Control wouldn’t tell me exactly who has a problem with my dog-parenting skills. Plus, I think that after suffering the embarrassment of having to explain to Animal Control that I am a good “dog parent”, I think it’s appropriate to publicly ridicule whoever complained, because they don’t have the decency to do it in person.

 Specifically, the officer related to me that ‘The Complainer’ stated I “neglect the dog, am never home, am gone for days on end leaving the dog alone, and the dog barks constantly.” Those of you who know us know that none of those allegations are true.

 The following is an open letter to ‘The Complainer’:

 My dog is a member of the family and is treated as such. The idea that we are never home is baseless, and if you would take the time to know better, you would. Admittedly we keep some odd hours, but if you take issue with the fact that most days, even though both my wife and I work full time, we engineer our days to enjoy being home to spend some time with the children and our offensive dog, get over it. Stop peering out your windows like Mrs. Kravitz. On second thought, keep doing it, but adjust your hours so you see me leaving for work at 10PM, Midnight, 1AM, 2AM, etc. You know what I do for a living.

 The only time we’ve been gone for days on end is when we’re on vacation or take a weekend to go out of town. You should try it, the fresh air might do you some good and it’s getting more and more enjoyable to spend time away from here, due in no small part to the drama instigated by people like you who don’t have the decency to try to be neighborly and address a problem personally. Our dog is never alone for more than ten hours, and I have over a thousand dollars of kennel bills from this summer alone to prove that if you’d like. Does he bark? Yeah, he barks. But every dog barks. That’s what they do. I like the fact that he barks at people near our house when we’re not home.

 Since summer is pretty much over, we won’t be gone for “days on end” anymore but I’m sure that won’t stop you from alleging it, as you don’t seem to have much interest in the truth anyway. At least this time the dog really will be barking, so you won’t have to COMPLETELY fabricate your complaints, not that it would bother you.

 If you had come to me personally with this issue, I would have done what I could to make sure you weren’t further troubled by my dog’s “constant barking”, and spared you the publicity. However, since you like complaining so much, and as I’ve already expressed an interest in being neighborly, I will be taking some steps to further your happiness.

 For instance, I’m thinking of elevating the dog’s cage in the window so he can see the front yard, where I will be installing one of those rabbits on a track. You know the ones the greyhounds chase? That’s the one. That should get the dog “barking constantly for days on end” and make your delusions reality. Of course, since you seemingly lack interpersonal skills, you most likely won’t be providing any feedback as to your enjoyment of my efforts. That’s actually a good thing, as it will allow me to be even more creative with my designs, all meant to ensure your continued ability to wallow in your own ridiculousness as you stammer your way through another phone call to Animal Control, Child Protective Services, PETA, the HOA, Oprah, Dr. Phil, or whoever else you want to involve in your pathetic nonsense.

 At least this time, when you complain, and I’m sure you will, you’ll have a reason.

 On behalf of Pax (yeah, he has a name, jackass),

 Sean

 I hope the rest of my friends and neighbors enjoyed that little vent, and I mean the first paragraph directed at you. The rest of it was meant as a mockery of the anonymous complainer. Even most of that was all said in jest. Except for the part about the rabbit on the track. I meant that. And the pathetic nonsense part. Even The Complainer has to realize how ridiculous all this is.

 WOOF!

If you’d like to contribute a Friday Guest Mock please (SERIOUSLY…WE’RE STARTING TO RUN LOW) send it to mockable[at]gmail.com  If it’s funny and won’t get us sued, we’ll most likely feature it at the site.  And don’t forget to include the address to your blog or website, so we can link back at ya.  Thanks!