Friday Guest Mock: Captain Kirk and His Dick of Death

2009 July 17
by mockers

This weekly installment of our Guest Mock series is being handled by our buddy Tammie aka The Blonde Goddess.  It is most excellent work indeed!

After reading the piece below, I hope everyone will visit her site, subscribe to her feed, etc.  It’s always good stuff.

And now for the cruel, cruel mockery…. 

Whenever I watch Star Trek reruns, I always ask myself the same question….was Captain Kirk REALLY as virile as they portrayed him to be or did he have help? I can’t help but speculate about the way things REALLY might have been on the Enterprise….

Captain Kirk was a fine figure of a man and he KNEW it….

“What do you mean these red tights aren’t flattering? I think they look great.”

Seriously…he was always whoring around with SOME woman…or women…
How can one man be THAT horny AND successful?
Yeah…lots of dudes are horny but they strike out a lot.
Captain Kirk?
He scored every time!

“That’s right baby…that’s the way to launch my rocket.”

I just can’t help but ask myself whether there was more to his success than meets the eye.
While they made it seem to easy for him to get laid, what made him SO irresistible?

“I hate how it always takes two hands to jack off!”

Ok…so that would explain things a little bit.

But was he really so smooth and suave that he could literally make a woman fall into his arms with little or no effort? Or was there even more to it?
Was it his experience that turned the women on?

“These stimulate your nipples. I acquired them in the Delta Quadrant.”

Maybe it was his authority?
Some women are attracted to that kind of power.
Of course it is possible he used his authority to get some action when he wasn’t hitting a home run with the babes….

“What do you mean “You don’t want to do a threesome? That’s an order ensign!”

Of course personally I think that he learned a few things from Spock.
Spock was a sexy beast!
I would have totally done Spock.
Besides…I picture the “Spock Cock” looking like this…

“The Spock Cock Deluxe!”

That just looks like it would be a lot more fun than the average smooth and shiny kind, you know?

I think that Spock showed Kirk some tricks to make the ladies crazy too.
For example…

“And this is another special Vulcan love touch.It makes women crazy.”

Live long and prosper my ass…that looks like a variation of the shocker to me. I even think they call it “the Spocker”….heh heh

Yes…Captain Kirk had help, I’m sure of it.
Even Bones helped him out.
One day as Bones was in sick bay with nurse Chapel, they made a startling discovery.

“What is it doctor?”
“They call it Viagra nurse Chapel. It was invented in the 21st century.”
“What does it do?”
“Let’s find out nurse….”

Of course once Bones re-discovered Viagra and informed Old Captain Kirk about it, he was even worse than before….


Captain Kirk’s “company” arrives…

“Our collective IQ is 107.”

After Kirk discovered Viagra there was no stopping him….
It was like giving the man a bag of M&Ms….

“The green ones made him horny.”

“The yellow ones made him horny.”

“The brown ones made him horny.”

He was simply out of control….

They were finally forced to destroy all the Viagra and the directions for making it after Kirk humiliated himself at a meeting with an important dignitary…

“Your guards hats look like they’re concealing breasts…soft..tender..breasts. Make them take them off. I have to see them…touch them…”

Although he avoided a court martial, he managed to ruin any chance of having a happy retirement…

If I could still get my hands on some Viagra, you wouldn’t be so quick to reject me!

Sadly, Kirk lived out the rest of his days on the Enterprise with the horrible nickname, “Limpy”…


And there you have it!
My take on the entire Captain Kirk is a stud story line!
What do YOU think?
Got anything to add????

9 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 July 17

    Already laughed my ass off but it’s even better the second time around. You got mad skillz girl! I bow to you goddessness…Is that a real word, goddessness? I heard he taught Charlie Sheen everything he knew.

  2. 2009 July 17

    Ditto, Shiny…that kicked ass!

  3. 2009 July 17
    kristin permalink

    I am never going to look at someone making the “live long and prosper” sign the same again. This gets out to the general public, and the lives of all those 45 year old virgins in their momma’s basement will change forever!

  4. 2009 July 17

    I can’t think of any more deserving person to mock out side of Charlie Sheen than Will Shatner. Do worry, I’m working up a Sheen mock.

  5. 2009 July 17

    It kinda creeps me out to think about William Shatner’s junk, in the current.

  6. 2009 July 17

    Kirk was the ultimate stud. Alas, also, ultimately mockable. And well mocked indeed Tammie. With pitchers and everything.

    @ Shiny Rod – looking forward to the Sheen mock…

  7. 2009 July 17

    @ Taiwan On – Wait, wait, nope it passed. Must be the scotch.

  8. 2009 July 18

    He was still doing all of that on Boston Legal until they closed the show! LOL

  9. 2009 July 19
    Ederd permalink

    “The green ones made him horny.”
    Good stuff!

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