Friday Guest Mock: Chili Cheese Burrito

This weekly installment (which I found really, really funny by the way) of our Guest Mock series is being handled by our pal John.   You can follow him at Twitter at twitter.com/meekster72.

Without further ado (and no, it’s not adieu dumbass, but we’ll talk about that later), here’s today’s guest mock:

To my dear wife:

Why the hell do you always have to try my Taco Bell Chili Cheese Burrito? Every time I order one (or two or three) you have to sink your teeth into it.

I think you know that your silly-assed soft-taco meal is going to be as boring as a Lawrence Welk marathon in an ICU waiting room, and my ability to branch out to the finer things in life keeps you intrigued. They’ve not changed the recipe since its inception. The only thing that has changed with this little morsel is the price. You see, the greatness of this delicacy has been undervalued for years and The Bell has finally realized that they were undercutting themselves.

Anywho, that’s neither here nor there. My beef is the fact that you don’t know how to eat a burrito properly. I offer my tortilla-wrapped goodness to you upon request and you take a big, horkin’ bite and it all goes downhill from there.

See, a tortilla, especially a steamed one, is a delicate material. You can’t just go down on it like a drunk secretary at a Christmas party. When you do this, all the bowel-churning goodness gets pushed to the bottom, thus creating pressure that the tortilla is just not built to take. You basically squirted out half the contents into the wrapper.

You have to squeeze from the bottom so as to expel some of this upwards, whilst, bite-sucking the top of the burrito and taking this “release” of pressure into your mouth at the same time. You may say that this sounds awfully gay, but sometimes you just have to take that for your art.

Also, what you didn’t have the foresight to see is that now my lunch hour and the rest of my day has been destroyed by your fatal mistake.

I wanted to down my 2 Chili Cheese Burritos and 2 Meximelts on the way back to the office so I’d have time to waste the rest of my lunch hour in sweet, Internet surfing bliss. I can’t eat a Chili Cheese burrito in the car with all this shit spewing out the bottom. I ask you to wrap it back up because now I have to sit at my desk and eat, which now reduces my precious Twitter time because Taco Bell tends to be a two-handed experience.

We go our separate ways (yes, I work with my wife) and I sit down to crippled web surfing. I decide to finish the abomination that you started.

When I unwrapped it, I was greeted by something that looked oddly like what I expect this burrito to look in 24 hours. What’d you do, wrap it up then try to fold it up again for more space-efficiency?

I delicately remove it from the wrapper and begin to lovingly indulge if the sad remains of a once great culinary masterpiece. What happens next? The floodgate that you opened on the bottom promptly expunges down the front of my shirt.

Sweet virgin baby Allah! Do you know what kind of anxiety a brown food stain on the front of a 300 lb. man will cause? In my mind everybody is looking at me, not with sympathy and shock and awe at the mess on my shirt, I see them looking at me with a “what’d you expect?” attitude. I mean, why wouldn’t a 300 lb. slob NOT be wearing cheap, easy to obtain fast food all over himself? People like that eat with such gusto, they probably should be missing the tips of a few fingers. I can’t imagine the shits that this hairy, fat bastard takes after any given meal carnage.

THAT, my dear, is what I think that people see when I come marching down the hall in my sloppy, Lord of the Pies regalia. Not to mention that I smelled like Taco Bell afterward. I wound up having to Axe myself, thus smelling like a dead French hooker, as a dear friend of mine would tell me. I mean why would a fat fuck like myself be wearing Axe anyway? I’m sure it’s to mask that mildewy smell that people like that get from those unexplored creases and canyons. Oh God, I wanna die.

Anyway, you are the bride that I took and I will stick with you. You have your unrefined ways. You are my Eliza Doolittle and I’ve taken on that challenge, but you sure as shit ain’t ever trying my Chili Cheese Burrito again. Get your own!

If you’d like to contribute a Friday Guest Mock please send it to mockable[at]gmail.com  If it’s funny and won’t get us sued, we’ll most likely feature it at the site.  And don’t forget to include the address to your blog or website, so we can link back at ya.  Thanks!