Friday Guest Mock: I am Full of Shit

I don’t really have to do an intro do I?  You guys know the drill by now, right?  By the way, this one rules:

I’m full of shit. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t lie about things that matter because everyone knows that’s wrong. I’m just full of shit. Which is different than a blowhard because I don’t brag. And I’m not a mister-know it all either. The know-it-all will spout off authority on any subject. His claims are verifiable and vulnerable to scrutiny for accuracy. Me…I’m just full of shit and that’s the way I like it. I don’t have to back it up with proof whatever it is I say. Oh it can lead to some pretty spirited discussions, which I completely enjoy. Eventually it ends up where I say something like, “It’s common knowledge.” I feel they have to prove me wrong and not the other way around. The back and forth banter ends up going nowhere and results in the guy saying I’m full of shit. Once…I’ll never forget this, sitting third base playing blackjack at the MGM Grand in Reno and the table is full of green and black chips and three of the five players had split 8s and then split the fours they drew. Another who had two stacks of black doubling down on his 7 and 4. The dealer had a 5 showing and I had a 3 and a 2 and decided not to take a card and let the dealer bust thereby assuring the rest of the table their return on some rather heavy betting. The dealer flipped a 6 and drew a 10 to 21, wiping out the table. I began to explain the reasoning to my approach of this particular hand saying things like, “The dealer looked tired. He was starting to fade and I thought he’d miss my strategy”. The old lady at first base probably hadn’t won a hand all day and decided to take things out on me. “You are so full of shit I can’t believe someone hasn’t beat it out of you yet.” “I’m thinkin’ ‘bout knockin a good portion of it out of him right now”, double down guy said”.You’re full of shit”, was his comment to me. I decided this bunch was too upset and in no way was going to listen to the gambling strategies I’ve attempted time and time again. I brought that fact to their attention and offered them a second chance as I prepared to leave and then they all said at the same time, “You’re full of shit”. Oh well, their loss.
 
And there’s been times I’ll just be sitting there minding my own business listening to a conversation at the next table over and their subject begs my interjection. This one couple asked if the chicken they serve is free range or cage free. The waiter said he would go find out and the two began a light hearted talk about how proud they were – they had recently read about the difference. I started off by saying, ” Do you buy range free or cage free?” The stirring of their double Dewar’s on the rocks stopped in unison and their eyes locked on to me with the expression of a fellow alien planet visitor.
“We don’t know yet. Why?”
‘Well, you have to remember the name free as in ‘out in the open’. Free to roam around wherever the feel like.”
“We like that idea. It just seems nicer for them.”
“Yeah, I like to think of what it must have been like when Columbus came over and before the settlers moved west and the chickens were free to roam with the buffalo. Coyotes and wolves got their fill of free range chicken and eggs back then.”
“I never thought of that’, he said as they both began stirring again almost as if on cue.
“Yeah, I know”, she offered. “And look how healthy they are.”
“The problem today though is child labor and immigrant laborers. They have to work long hours to collect the eggs the chickens leave behind anywhere it sees fit. They spend months bent over looking for eggs that could be anywhere. The cage free isn’t as hard to get as free range though. They’re not in a cage but they’re not out on the range. They roam around on barren ground that is constantly replenished with feed and poop. Two hundred and fifty thousand chickens per acre is the way they set it up. There’s barely any room for a chicken to turn around. All those chickens crammed together, pecking their way to weigh in day, eating a never ending medley of grains and chicken shit. They lay their eggs wherever they happen to be which are kept warm by the three inches of compost flooring. If not found and collected they will hatch and the chicks start right in eating the same thing until their weigh in day. Disgusting if you ask me.”
The new found information is hard for the listeners to digest. They whisper while sipping to hide any lip movement and become upset when the waiter begins his return.
“I checked with the manager and he said they were ‘Domesticated’ if that’s ok?””Oh yes that’s fine. That guy over there was telling us all about free range and stuff. Sounds kinda strange.”
“What? The guy or what he was saying?”
They both motioned the waiter in closer. The waiter gave me a quick glance and their table almost huddled when they started to talk in low mummers. I heard the wife say, “I think he’s full of shit”. I watched as the husband and the waiter both nodded their head in agreement. “Totally full of shit”, I heard the husband mumble.
 
I’m so used to that kind of sarcasm these days it doesn’t bother me one bit. If I was that thin- skinned I never walk into a bowling alley again.
 
Kenny B. Wright

If you’d like to contribute a Friday Guest Mock please send it to mockable[at]gmail.com  If it’s funny and won’t get us sued, we’ll most likely feature it at the site.  And don’t forget to include the address to your blog or website, so we can link back at ya.  Thanks! – metten