Friday Guest Mock: Making the Most of Your Atlanta Airport Staycation

2009 September 4
by mockers

airportcampingThis week’s guest mock comes from our close, personal friend Elle from over at LivingLaura.  To quote Mc Chris, she’s wordy and verbose
prolific and prone to prose…so enjoy and shit:

I’m a big fan of The Travel Channel, mostly because it’s fun to be reminded of how many of the “Top Ten Best Beaches on Earth” that I’ll never visit, or to marvel at “Sea Behemoth, Luxury Yacht City”, or some such nonsense.  I’m surprised, however, that no one has seen fit to do a series about airport vacations.  In this economy, it only makes sense to cut out that pesky, expensive middle part of your vacation….you know, the part where you spend a lot of unnecessary cash on silly things like expensive restaurant meals or blowing up your credit cards with ridiculously overpriced shopping jaunts.
Er, wait.  Scratch that last part.
Anyway…if you’re prone to flying even a little, chances are at some point you will be on the receiving end of an airline induced fuck-YOU! unscheduled airport staycation.  Seeing that I have only racked up points at the lovely and well-appointed Atlanta location, I can only report on that.  More than likely, you’ll have much the same experience wherever you go…but if you’re in Atlanta, you have the added bonus of being smack in the middle of the busiest airport in the statosphere, which will only enhance your visit!  I’ve complied some tips of how to ensure that you have the shittiest experience possible:
—First, live somewhere completly retarded and obscure, like I do.  That way, there will only be 1.5 flights per day to and from ATL, thus taking the stress/guesswork out of figuring out which flight you want to take.  If your chosen airline’s motto is “We’ll Get You Close”, I probably would double check with Orbitz to see if there’s anything else available.
—Secondly, don’t have a carry-on.  If you’re a female (and really, who isn’t these days?), having to lug both a purse AND a carry-on (and possibly a baby, can I get an amen?) around the airport is a total drag.  Plus, is almost triples your chances of getting snagged up in the escalator, and as we all know, it’s only a matter of time before THAT happens.  Besides, the chances of your needing a toothbrush, or contact lens solution, or your last goddamn Xanax are pretty slim.  In a pinch, all you really need is that flimsy, pathetic Delta emergency overnight kit and the baby blanket they dole out for you to “sleep” under…you know, on a bench, at the AIRPORT.
—Third, be really tired and bitchy.  If you have to work yourself up to having a spell or two, so be it.  Being tired makes you numb to the bullshit fuck-you attitude of the TSA as they roll their eyes at you because you’re too fucking stupid to know every single thing there is to know about the world of an underpaid federal “associate”.  Being bitchy is just a bonus for the next morning when you’re screaming for mayo for your “breakfast burger” after “sleeping”…. on a bench, at the AIRPORT.
—Fourth, wear a dress that shows just a tad less cleavage than your average whore, but have a cardigan over it so you can spend every second of your life snatching that thing together in hopes of not being mistaken for an airport version of a “lot lizard”.
—Fifth, book your flight for when you KNOW there will be a horrendous thunder and lightning storm and a torrential downpour for hours, in the aforementioned busiest airport in the stratosphere.  The chances of your flight being cancelled and it taking 2 days to get home will greatly increase after this, and it will give the gate agents at Delta an opportunity to show off their mad customer service skillz.  Fuckers.
—And finally, make sure that this particular flight is the very last flight out to your retarded and obscure location on a busy, stormy Friday night.
Because really, where else can you get items off the Burger King dollar menu for only $7.49?  Come on, y’all.  You know that concierge is a dick.  You know that luxurious all-inclusive resort is for suckers.  Come to the ATL….they’ll get you close.

If you’d like to contribute a Friday Guest Mock please send it to mockable[at]  If it’s funny and won’t get us sued, we’ll most likely feature it at the site.  And don’t forget to include the address to your blog or website, so we can link back at ya.  Thanks!

13 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 September 4

    Simply excellent.

    If you’re a female (and really, who isn’t these days).

    I’m off to check out LivingLaura…

  2. 2009 September 4

    Well done, my dear! Fellas, not only is she funny as shit, she is hot too!

  3. 2009 September 4

    “Airport version of a lot lizard”. LOL! HILARIOUS!

  4. 2009 September 4
    JeffInDenver permalink

    Great guest mock!! And, nice to know you’re updating again @ livinglaura. Time to go catch up.

  5. 2009 September 5

    Well done Laura, well done. Loved it.

  6. 2009 September 5
    mike permalink

    live somewhere retarded? what’s with that? ever stop to think that using the word retarded as slang is just hurtful and offensive to people living with special needs? No, I didn’t think so.
    Here’s another shocker…people with special needs can read and understand when they are being mocked. So unnecessary and uncalled for unless of course you’re still in 7th grade.

  7. 2009 September 5

    Hey, Mike. It’s called humor…

  8. 2009 September 5
    metten permalink Feel free to continue condescending to us from on high until you feel adequately good about yourself.

  9. 2009 September 5
    DTO permalink

    Hey mike…how about a geographically challanged area? There…now we can be friends.

  10. 2009 September 6
    Limey permalink

    The ignition timing on one of my cars is currently retarded. Perhaps I should go give that engine a lecture about being so gay?

  11. 2009 September 6

    Great job Elle! I love it! Next time you’re stuck at BWI gimme a call, we’ll have drinks!

  12. 2009 September 6
    Big Dog Mom Pam permalink

    Can we cut out the politically correct crap and still have some humor? Get over yourself, Mike.

  13. 2009 September 7
    Willie Williams permalink

    Sorry I’m so late to this, I was away and computer free this weekend. Anywho, as background, my wife teaches in the MD (mentally disabled) room at our local elementary school. Her sister (this was back in the late 60’s) was known as mentally retarded as was the norm. By its true definition, this seemed pretty accurate and her mental capabilites were slower, or behind, or retarded to the capabilities or learning curve of the majority of children her age. This is one of the reasons my wife became interested in teaching children with learning.

    Since medically over the years, many of these “retarded” individuals have been reclassified through research and teaching, the single grouping of all of them as “retarded” no longer fit or was accurate when more exact descriptions of the individuals disabilities were understood.

    When used to describe places, inanimate objects or actions by a person or mechanical device, retarded is no different than any other adjective or adverb and should not be taken as offensive. This is different if it is used to describe a person, especially one that is disabled because you are grouping them as one just like calling everyone from West Virginia a hick or hillbilly.

    Elle used retarded in a non-offensive manner. She obviously lives somewhere that is not up with a large city with mass transit, airports and ease of travel. It is retarded in its growth in public transportion because of its location, the subject of her post.

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