Friday Guest Mock: New and Improved

This weekly installment of our Guest Mock series is being handled by our pal DTO.  Who, as a matter of fact, cracks my shit up.  You can catch him over here for more. I highly suggest you check it out.

And now for the cruel, cruel mockery….

First of all, It shouldn’t be new and improved. If it’s ‘New’ then it would just be new and have no reason to be improved upon  it’s marketing release. New and Improved means old crap they tweaked a bit. And that usually means…you wish they hadn’t. 

New and Improved means the “wanna be a scientist when I grow up” guy, who’s been waltzing around in a lab coat the past four years saying “I just about got it”…finally came up with a new potpourri fragrance with added citrus.

I like the ‘more raisins added’ thing. But I have a feeling they cut back to the same old amount after a couple of months, knowing we’re not sitting there in the morning counting our raisins to flakes ratio. 

New and Improved recipe usually means they added more salt. It’s boxed rice for Christ sake. What took you so long to get that right? 

New and Improved menu just means, same crappy food but a buck higher to pay for the new printer guy who made the food at least look better. 

New and Improved “Wash-day Wonder”. You now use half as much, so they give you a third as much and jack the price six bucks. They’ve only improved upon the ‘new math’ as far as I can tell. 

New and Improved shoe polish. Really!?!? Someone at Kiwi still has a job trying to figure out how to make brown shoes look better? That has to be amazing technology.

New and Improved packaging means they have no idea how to make their stuff any better. Just the box or bag it comes in. 

New and Improved cooking time means the stuff is half rotted already, so put your new and improved microwave, with the ‘Sonic High’ feature, on 45 seconds…and your nondescript meal will be safe to eat . (box may be eaten to save time). 

“A New and Improved You” is what they tell you…so you spend over twenty five hundred bucks on a home gym and you’re still the same old whiny you. You’ve lost twelve pounds and all your friends over the past year but like you say…you’ve established a new live style. You’ll soon begin thinking about having a yard sale in the spring and about how to cancel your three year subscription to “Body Builder” magazine. 

New and Improved cotton swabs. Now I have to admit this was a welcomed advancement in ear wax removal. When I grew up, those things were a little three inch wooden stick with a small amount of cotton at each end. I’m six years old and had no business sticking something like that in my ears. So my hat’s off to the lab coat guy on that one. 

New and Improved anything in the pet food world. Cat, dog, gerbil, ferret or parrot. I feed my four leggers some great stuff. Quality ingredients and I have no idea what it tastes like. The lab coat guy is earning his stripes on this one. Taste test some nasty-assed cans of cat food and improve on one? No one has ever made mouse flavored cat food and I’ve yet to see my cat catch a salmon. 

New and Improved toothpaste with an extra cavity fighter and whitening. That’s just a nice way to tell you that if you’ve been using their inferior product over the years…your teeth have probably been removed, one by one, and you now need to try their new and improved denture cleaner. “You could swear you were using steel wool”, (now available in 60 grit). And you’ll get a coupon for a free sample of their New and Improved “Chopper-Clamp”, grip. “Now with the added flavor of Bourbon”. 

Some things are better left unimproved. Old Irish whisky for example. Some would say Scotch too. Your favorite beer or wine for example. You know…the sacred things.

If you’d like to contribute a Friday Guest Mock please send it to mockable[at]gmail.com  If it’s funny and won’t get us sued, we’ll most likely feature it at the site.  And don’t forget to include the address to your blog or website, so we can link back at ya.  Thanks!