Friday Guest Mock on Thursday: 50 Years Old

This week we have another offering from Taiwan On, which was scheduled to run on Friday.  But since I haven’t finished Thursday’s post yet, I’m flip-flopping the days.  How’s that for problem-solving?  Pretty slick, huh?  Damn straight it is.

Thanks for reading!  And thanks to Taiwan On for another great submission.  -Jeff

50 years old.

You suck.

First, let me clarify.  No, no clarification required.  You suck like a hooker on crack.

Let’s review:

10 years old – You can eat dirt because your best friend Timmy dares you to eat dirt.  You can run in traffic and only have a 5 percent chance of getting hit by the old lady who not only needs glasses, but needs to take medicine for her “condition”.  You can do any stupid thing that you think of.  Because you are only 10 years old.

20 years old – You can spend your parents money on going to college and smoking pot.  You can have sex with drunk women who think you are making marital decisions.  You can learn important financial lessons like “Do I spend my dollar on 3 packs of Kraft Macaroni-and-Cheese?” or “Do I spend my dollar on a pack of Winston’s?”.  Cigarettes were a lot cheaper back then.  College girls are pretty much the same price.

30 years old – You have a job.  You are married.  You have, gah, “responsibilities”.  But you can still can take vacations in Myrtle Beach to golf with your buds (with much apologizing before and after with your soulmate).  You still don’t have to cut back on the coffee.  You start thinking about how much you wish you were still in your 20’s.  Oh wait, that’s a bad thing.  Don’t worry, worse is coming.

40 years old – You have a job.  You are divorced.  You have, grr, “alimony”.  But now is the time to start life anew!  Date some young girls.  Take up some fancy hobby that 40 year olds take up in the movies that make your life look like a miserable failure.  Start drinking heavily.

50 years old – You lost your job.  Your 30 year old girlfriend took a walk.  Your only sexual pleasure is youporn.com.  Let’s face it, you are screwed.  But wait, there is a silver lining!  No there isn’t.  You’re screwed.

50 years old – you suck.

P.S. –  No fat secretaries were harmed in the production of this mock.

If you’d like to submit a Friday Guest Mock, just send it to mockable at gmail dotcom.  Chances are good we’ll use it, because it means less work for us!  But, of course, we reserve the right to reject any crackpot diatribes or “manifestoes” that could get us sued, and/or beaten-down.  A little decorum is all we ask.  Not too much, mind you, but a little.