Friday Guest Mock: Questionable Questions
This weekly installment of our Guest Mock series is being handled by our pal DTO. He doesn’t have a site to plug or anything like that but he’s a longtime surf reporter (we’re talking the black t-shirt days here) so show him some love in the comments…and then we’ll talk about how Jeff used to be cool, man.
And now for the cruel, cruel mockery….
If someone asks me a question, I’ll answer if I can help. No politics, religion or anything personal. And if I’m the only one who knows the answer, there’s probably a reason for that and I will keep that stuff to myself.
I like a yes or no question. I’m a conversational minimalist when it comes to questions. I don’t mind time or direction questions and I like a good discussion too…but questions?…yep, nope, bye.
Some yes or no questions are just out of line though, like:
“Are you asleep”?…Yes or No?…There’s only one answer for this. “I was”, lets them know they woke you up. “Not anymore”, is the same answer but with added sarcasm to up the angst. “Yes” is actually a “No”.
The correct answer is silence.
“Think it’ll rain/ snow”?…Yes or No?…”Yes, eventually” or “No, never again”.
“Does your dog bite”?…Yes or No?…I’ve always answered “Only when he (she) needs to”. All dogs bite. Assume that rule and you’ll be fine.
“Is this seat taken”?…Yes or No?…I must admit I profile here based solely on gender. This one is an easy yes or no for me. And too, if I look around and see there are plenty more seats…that’s a yes. The gender rule can be optional at times. I always fly with assigned seating and that way I talk to no one. A nod gets it said and things just on go from there.
“Are you next”?…Yes or No?…Seems harmless enough and yet totally unneeded. First of all, I do not crowd. I always give the person ahead of me a good three foot of neutral zone to use as they please. Crowding does not make the process go any faster. So I’ll say, “Yes”.
“Oh, I thought there might be somebody else is in front of you”.
Is that like a, “Hey…move it up there buddy.”? Like someone is going to run up with a ‘Sorry This Lane is CLOSED’ sign because I’m too far back? I really did like it when it was just yes or no but now I’m explaining? Had I said no, would they run up there and fill the gap, kicking out who ever was in front me? Perhaps killing any slim chance I had with the pretty girl I was saving a spot for? Or maybe now I get my ass kicked by a 6’7″, 320lb., former star of the State Pen’s football team. Wait your turn. Relax…you’re in a civilized area. I know there’s been shootings over parking spaces at Piggly Wigglys, but it’s ok in here.
“What time do they close”?
“I don’t know but I’d bet they don’t do it with all of us in here and we wait to check out in he morning”, should be my answer. “I’m sorry? Oh…you want to know what time it is too”? Time for you to get out of line and go buy a fucking watch”.
If you’d like to contribute a Friday Guest Mock please send it to mockable[at]gmail.com If it’s funny and won’t get us sued, we’ll most likely feature it at the site. And don’t forget to include the address to your blog or website, so we can link back at ya. Thanks!
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I had to look twice to see if I wrote this.
WTF is wrong with the “crowding class” of people? Are they testing to see if they can smell traces of normal bodily functions?
“If I get real close maybe I can smell me some man ass and, when I get real good at it, possibly be able to discern the eating habits…”
Good mock, DTO!
“I know there’s been shootings over parking spaces at Piggly Wigglys, but it’s ok in here.”
HAHAHA! I love it!
I have to agree with the crowding issue. If one more person hits me in the ankles with their cart in line at the grocery store I might start killing people – or maybe I’ll just follow them home and then take a shit on their porch.
I like my personal space and don’t crowd me or I’ll give you the evil eye. Yes my dog bites, she doen’t like people bothering me with stupid questions.
Execellent mock Dave!
Well done! People are bastards. Questions blow.
I cary a tazer (the old fashioned kind that you have to touch to the person) with me when I’m in line. I constantly jab it out in a circular pattern to keep people from getting too close. If you get zapped, well, you just sit there in your puddle of piss and think about what you’ve done. Stay back!
Excellent! STFU and stay the fuck back! Two new rules to live by.
I want a tazer!!!
haven’t just spent way too much time in airports lately, i concur. whacking me in the back with your giant carry-on purse is not going to get any of us through security faster.