Friday Guest Mock: Quick Hit Mocks About People I’ve Actually Known
This week’s installment of our Guest Mock series is being handled by Brown Walker from Half of the Truth, among other places…although I don’t know where those other places are. Perhaps he’ll tell you if you guys fill the comments with quick hit mocks about people you’ve actually known.
And now for the cruel, cruel mockery….
1. Whitehead – you were so proud of your last name that describes a type of zit that you shaved it into your hair in an effort to imitate Vanilla Ice.
2. Dorcas – it’s not your fault that your parents bestowed this horrible name on you. It is still mockable of course. The best part: they named your twin Rachel – aren’t you the lucky sister?
3. “Wild” Bill – the most prolific liar I’ve ever met. He once claimed that he killed a deer by jumping on its back as it ran past him and then strangling it to death.
4. “Dollar” Bill – the salesman at the guitar store I frequented in high school. He had a business card printed up to look like a dollar bill with his picture in the middle instead of Washington’s.
5. Chris’ little brother – This kid mangled lyrics like nothing I’ve ever heard. The next time you hear Aerosmith’s “Dude Looks Like a Lady,” before you quickly turn that trash off, sing “Dude’s a calcu-la-tor” and you’ll get an idea of this kid’s mockability. Of course, for years I thought that when Tears for Fears sang “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” they were saying “Everybody wants to move around,” so what do I know?
6. Brad – He was the guy that you’d almost feel sorry for if he didn’t bring it all on himself. He once was losing so bad at cards that he stuck his finger up his own ass in exchange for another player tearing up an I.O.U. He was called “Tootsie Roll” for the next decade.
7. Jennifer – She has a dent in her forehead, but that’s not even the most mockable thing about her. She went to high school with Albert Pujols and now lives in a fantasy world where she thinks he always liked her back then and if she can just catch his eye when he comes to town to play, he would drop his wife and children and marry her and take her away from her crappy marriage and obnoxious kids.
8. Robby – Little prick bully in grade school. He once asked the Sunday School teacher how they could crucify Jesus in April when he was just born in December. Haha – what a stupid eight year old (/exercising emotional demons).
9. Mary – At Thanksgiving dinner one year, she was trying to think of the word tryptophan and instead told everyone at the table that the turkey she had just fed them was filled with carcinogens that would make them sleepy.
10. Me – I once had a cube shaved into the back of my hair and I wore a Brian Bosworth jersey to high school (and I never even lived in Oklahoma). Now I write blogs that no one reads under pseudonyms that don’t make sense.
If you’d like to contribute a Friday Guest Mock please send it to mockable[at]gmail.com If it’s funny and won’t get us sued, we’ll most likely feature it at the site. And don’t forget to include the address to your blog or website, so we can link back at ya. Thanks!
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I, too, have met plenty of mockable people. Including myself. Well done, Sir!
i’m a little dissapointed that you didn’t mock the 911 widdows that blew their reward (?) money on suvs and cosmetic surgury rather than putting it into trust funds for their kid’s education like it was supposed to be for….
but all in all…. well done!
i think we all know at least 2 of the same people you know… i know a bobby and both bills…
Knew a girl in High School so desperate we used to call her Anita Handjob (behind her back, of course) Does that cound?
err…I mean…count!
We had a girl in our junior high school named Dorcas. I don’t remember her ever being around in high school. She had a twin brother named Gordon. Even though Dorcas was extreme white trash, I always felt kinda sorry for her due to her name.
Our “Robby” was a little asshole named Mark that had two older step brothers named Tim and Howard. Mark was all of five foot zero in tenth grade and acted like he could kick anyone’s ass, although we all knew he couldn’t. Saw him about eight years later in a bar and he couldn’t remember who I was. Gave me shit about the car I was driving. I said something like “Don’t let it irrritate your mangina” or something and he, being a foot and a half shorter than me threatened to break my neck. Followed me out the door and I picked him up and threw him into a bush. Hopefully, he isn’t dead yet from idle threats.
Hilarious!
My best friend had an old neighbor lady named Dorcas who looked down upon of from way up high on Jesus’ cross.
Funnily enough, the name Dorcas is actually kinda revered around here. A lady named Dorcas Drake started a Christmas Party and Toy Drive for children who would otherwise do without, which she ran for 37 years. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dorcas_Drake for the minor details.
It’s still a stupid name, though.