Friday Guest Mock: Secretaries

2009 June 26
by mockers

secretaryThe second weekly installment of our Guest Mock series is being handled by Taiwan On.  Well done, sir!

After reading the piece below, I hope everyone will visit his site, subscribe to his feed, etc.  It’s good stuff.

And now for the cruel, cruel mockery….

Yeah, yeah, I know, you are not a secretary.  You are an Administrative Assistant.  I hope the capital letters and the assonance make you feel better.  But dammit we’re mocking here.  So you are a secretary.  Deal with it.

And no, you don’t secretly run the company behind the boss’s back.  You answer the phone, handle the mail, and distribute the paychecks.  Tough job.  I have a twelve year old niece that could perform the same duties while tweeting on Twitter.

From what I have observed, in an eight hour workday, you spend at most one hour doing actual secretary work and the other seven hours gossiping.  You do realize that someone is paying you to do this, right?  Don’t you feel just a little guilty about getting paid for doing the same thing that unemployed people do just to pass the time?  I’m slaving away down the hall, trying to complete a project on a schedule designed by Satan while you are sitting on your fat ass talking to Mary about what Frank said to Cindy.

Did I say fat?  I meant huge.  Each one of your thighs could be used as central bridge support.  You really should stop eating those bags of mini Three Musketeers in between breakfast and your 10:00 AM snack.  I mean, really, we’re going to have to buy you a special secretary chair so that you don’t complain to Human Resources about your back problems.  Again.

You know what else really racks me off?  When I give you some simple secretary task to perform and you make like (a) it’s not your job, (b) you don’t have time to do it, and (c) it is going to be impossible to finish before next Thursday.  Really?  Calling Facilities to see if they can get my phone fixed is going to inconvenience you?  Well just shut your fatass secretary piehole and do your damn secretary job.  Now.

Caveat:  The above mock does not apply to that hot number on the third floor of building 7.  You, my sweet thing, are doing just a fantastical job.

If you’d like to contribute a Friday Guest Mock please send it to mockable[at]  If it’s funny and won’t get us sued, we’ll most likely feature it at the site.  And don’t forget to include the address to your blog or website, so we can link back at ya.  Thanks!

14 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 June 26

    How Rude! Administrative Assistants of the world UNITE!

  2. 2009 June 26
    NewFollower permalink

    Oh, so the FAT secretary is lazy, gossipy and doesn’t do her job,while the good looking one can do whatever she likes and she’s fantastic? If you said that the Asian secretary should shut her piehole but the white girl was fantastic you get yourself a new one torn, but “mocking” the fatty is still just perfectly acceptable.

    I’m confused about this site. Is this to humorously mock people like I thought, or is it a place to feel free to talk about people and groups you just don’t care for without even bothering to try to be humorous?

    Spoken like a true fat person? You bet.

  3. 2009 June 26
    Vicki permalink

    I’m a fairly fattish secretary who considers herself to be so much more than an administrative assistant. My feelings should be hurt about now, but nah, if the shoe fits, wear it.

  4. 2009 June 26

    I’d like to see someone mock the guy who wrote this!

  5. 2009 June 26
    RedMosquito permalink


    You know how I know you’re fat?

  6. 2009 June 26
    Wisey in Tulsa permalink

    Hey lard ass negative poster types, shut your piehole and make me a sammich. This post was spot on. Get me some coffee while your at it.

  7. 2009 June 26
    WB in OH permalink

    Excellent mockable.

  8. 2009 June 26
    metten permalink

    You forgot to have your AA double check your post…despite being everything mentioned above, they generally know the difference between your and you’re. Just sayin’…laters ya’ll!!

  9. 2009 June 26
    WB in OH permalink

    Making fun of fat and lazy is still acceptable in my opinion because you can do something about both of them. You can’t change your skin color (Michael Jackson excluded of course, RIP you freak) or your gender (without major surgery, freaks) but you can put down the fucking donuts and pick up a pair of walking shoes.

    PS: I don’t give a damn about your thyroid gland (I did get your right, not?)

  10. 2009 June 26
    tilly permalink

    I too am a fat ass working in an office but DAMN that was funny….just sayin’

  11. 2009 June 26
    kristin permalink

    hehehe check this out (and I verified it) – all those folks aren’t even at the right Hollywood star.

  12. 2009 June 26
    Taiwan On permalink

    Feel free to mock my ass at any time. I’m an engineer that works with computers for chrissake. That’s 20 pages of material right there.

    And I don’t understand why people are focusing on the “fat” angle. That’s not the point.

  13. 2009 June 26

    That was fucking funny as hell.

  14. 2009 June 30

    To all the PC Po-Po out there, get over it! This site is sarcastic, and if you didn’t know already, sarcasm is wit and reality combined. So if this site comes to you and the full closed fisted fury of reality comes crashing down upon your tender sensibilities like Gallagher to a melon, maybe it’s not the mocker that should examine their moral compass, but rather the ones who feel as though they have some omnipotently granted right of critical seclusion that take a look in the mirror and ask “Am I that guy/girl?” You know, for the sake of the children. Give me another Pabst please.

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