Friday Guest Mock: Truck Commercials and Mike Rowe’s Tape Measure

This weekly installment of our Guest Mock series is being handled by longtime surf reporter Big Mike.

Without further ado (and no, it’s still not adieu), here’s today’s guest mock:

Why are truck commercials so stupid? Ford had these cartoon like thingies on the commercials with pictures of boats and trucks, etc. I know that a truck can pull a boat. I don’t need a cartoon picture to show me that. I sure don’t need some Dennis Leary sounding dude narrating the commercial either. Now Ford has some dude wearing a brown coat, jeans and a ball cap trying to get me to buy a truck. I guess because he is dressed “down” I am supposed to believe him more and rush down to buy that truck. He needs to take off that stupid ball cap and dress nicer if they want me to buy a Ford truck. The latest one has some banter with some chick. Now I am supposed to think he is super macho in his ball cap and brown coat and really buy that Ford truck because he can also get chicks. If they want me to buy a Ford truck, it is real simple – Lower the prices. I will buy a truck from a dancing chicken if the price is low enough.

Chevrolet is no better with their commercials. They have finally let poor old Bob Seger off the hook and quit playing “Like a Rock”. I liked that song when the album first came out but I can’t stand to hear it now. Instead of wearing out Bob Seger any longer, we have to look at goofy old Howie Long. He was a good football player but I can not figure out why I need him to tell me about buying a truck. He is out riding around picking up people that happen to have another make of truck that breaks down and giving them a ride and a lecture on how good Chevy trucks are. Then he is making fun of the steps that let you walk up in the back of the truck. I don’t know about ol Howie, but I can use some help getting in and out of the truck every now and then. He is such a big Frankenstein looking dude that he can just step right up in the truck bed no problem at all. My legs ain’t that long.

The latest commercial this weekend just made me want to puke. Howie is talking to some dude that has a Ford truck and a tape measure. Howie starts bragging about how much better his truck is than that little dude with the tape measure’s truck. The whole time Howie is talking, he is stretching that tape measure. I am not sure if it has something to do with Howie have something else longer that that little Ford driving dude or not. They sure do stretch that thing out a long way though. It could have something to do with Howie formerly being married to Teri Hatcher. I think she would require a big one. When Howie finally lets go of the tape measure, I am ready for that tape measure to fly back and knock the crap out of the little Ford driving dude. The tape just goes in normal. No smack upside the head or smacking the dude’s wrist. What a ripoff. Can Howie not intimidate anybody? All he does is sit around and sell trucks with stupid commercials and act all sissified on FOX NFL Pregame show.

These truck commercials show constantly during NFL football no matter what channel I watch. I saw the Howie and the tape measure commercial at least 4 times today. After a few showings I noticed that Howie is wearing that same brown coat that the Ford dude is wearing. I guess next week Howie will have on a blue ball cap and be talking to some chick.

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