Friday Guest Mock: Twilight

2009 December 11
by mockers

I’ve been meaning to mock this, but I haven’t been able to get up the gumption to, you know…uh…care.  Fortunately, there’s Holly from donutorama , who does a better job of it than I could with an electrified make-fun-of-middle-aged-women-who-read-at-a-seventh-grade-level machine. Please read it, say nice stuff to her in the comments and then check out her site.

TwilightSucksOkay, okay, I get it. The new Twilight movie opens tonight. So what? It’s a vampire movie, not really a novel, new idea. Granted, there’s a love story in there (I think) and some young, hunky, emo-looking actors that make the hearts of preteen girls go pitter pat, but it’s still a vampire movie. And not even Lon Cheney or Bela Lugosi there (Bela Lugosi’s dead, in case you didn’t know). Hell, not even Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt.

While I guess I can understand why the tween and teen set might be enamored by the series, I really don’t understand grown-ass women who are obsessed with it. In fact, there was an article in the AJC recently about how “real life vampires are looking for acceptance”. Huh? WTF? Real life vampires? You have got to be kidding me. Vampires are not real. Just because your life is boring and mundane, filled with things like laundry, dirty dishes, and slow moving traffic on 285, you do not get a free pass to be a weirdo. I realize you believe that you are entitled to a more glamorous life, but perhaps you could give the rest of us a break. The banality of your life is probably related to poor choices you’ve made in your past, such as dropping out of community college, choosing to eat an entire bag of hostess donuts once a week for 10 years, or getting married at the ripe old age of 17. That’s not blood lust you feel. That’s diabetes. Or high blood pressure. You choose. You are not immortal. In fact, you are probably going to die very soon, either from heart disease or me murdering you for being a grown-ass freak.

So parents, take your kids to the midnight showing of New Moon. Allow your 13 year old daughters to read the entire series. I suppose it’s kind of like porn for pre-pubescent girls. But if you are over the age of 15, just stop it. You are obsessed with vampires in love. Teenage vampires at that, and that should be illegal. Kind of like that movie Dirty Dancing. (Thanks to T-baby for bringing that to my attention). In fact, if you keep up with your freaky obsession, I will openly mock you, as I am now. Just next time, it will be to your face.

We’re down to three guest mocks in the bank!  I don’t know about you guys, but I’m really having fun with this – so please keep them coming.  We’re not profiting from this site at all (yet) and we’re doing our best not to exploit you any more than you’d like (you dirty, dirty little thing, you…).  So please, If you’d like to contribute a guest mock please send it to mockable[at]  If it’s funny and won’t get us sued, we’ll most likely feature it at the site.  And don’t forget to include the address to your blog or website, so we can link back at ya. Thanks!

10 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 December 11
    Fat Dave permalink

    Isn’t the male vampire supposed to be 900 years old or something? If he were 15 and a good actor, it would just be weird, but the real story line is pretty damn disturbing.

  2. 2009 December 11

    Nice mock.

    I’ve read the books, I’ve seen the first movie (thank god, not in theaters), and I just don’t think the damn series is worth all the fuss. I mean, oh look! There is another series about vampires. They are broody, possibly suicidal, and rather emo. Just like most of the vampire books I’ve read. For me, they don’t stand out enough to warrant all the attention, good or bad. Mind you, the movie does suck, but so many do. So for the love of the verse, can’t we just forget about Twilight entirely?

  3. 2009 December 11

    …and you wonder why this appeals to women 18 to 25. Wake up dears, prince charming is not going to save you from a dismal existence and vampires only suck then they blow leaving you with a nasty bite on your neck and a sick ass world of reality.

  4. 2009 December 11
    kristin permalink

    “That’s not blood lust you feel. That’s diabetes.”

    That is brilliant!!! I’m am so stealing that the next time a fat guy hits on me in a bar.

  5. 2009 December 11

    This maybe the best mock ever. Because it is so true. Grown ass women should not be lusting after these teenie bopper freaks. In my not-so-humble opinion, of course.

  6. 2009 December 12
    clintcurtis permalink

    Totally excellent mock, Holly! Thank you!

  7. 2009 December 14

    Vampires suck!

  8. 2009 December 18
    Chuck in Belpre permalink

    I thot Bram Stoker covered all this silly bullshit years ago. Or was it Anne Rice?

  9. 2009 December 21
    In Agony, GA permalink

    Excellent Mock. Poor, pathetic middle-aged women longing for their Lost Boy days… Sad.

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