Friday Guest Mock:

I am not sure who or what a Lafcadio is, but holy shit I enjoyed this mock.  It was like my grandfather finally realized that his editorials to AARP magazine about people who don’t turn on their headlights in the rain weren’t particularly effective, so he hired Jim Norton to write one for him, and posted it here.  I hope we get more from this guy.  Enjoy:

People are pretty much uniformly stupid everywhere, but a good gauge of the stupidity of one of your fellow citizens is whether or not they have their headlights on when it’s raining. Nearly every state has a law requiring people to put their headlights on anytime their windshield wipers are on, and yet the number of douchedriblets I see driving around in a downpour in gray unlit cars doesn’t seem to be dropping. In their defense, it’s not like the goddamn police can be bothered; I’ve never even heard of someone getting a ticket for not having their headlights on. Yet another reason that cops care as much about public safety as I do about David Bowie’s ingrown asshairs.

Drivers can be divided into three different types:

1) People who see it’s raining, and turn their headlights on. These folks can be proud of themselves for being productive, intelligent Americans. I would like to shake their hands and buy them coffee. I’d offer them sex with my wife, but nobody wants to be subjected to that shit.

2) People who think that their “daytime running lights” are on, and that’s good enough, which would be true except that daytime running lights don’t light up anything on the back of the car, making them completely invisible to the semi bearing down on them at 70+. These people are usually middle-aged white men listening to Fleetwood Mac, for some reason. I picture them joyfully singing “You Can Go Your Own WaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaCRUNCH” as they get spun head-on into a Jersey barrier and go to be with Jebus.

3) People who drive around in the rain with no headlights on, and it’s a goddamn miracle these lackwits can remember to wipe themselves. Here’s a hint, shitlicks: your headlights aren’t just for making it easier for you to see. They also make it easier for OTHERS to see YOU. It’s why motorcycles can’t even turn off their headlights, for example. If you drive around in the rain and your headlights aren’t on, don’t act surprised when an old lady pulls out in front of you and you have to swerve into a tulip poplar and the airbag drives your teeth into your cerebrum, assuming you even have one you fucking mong.

May your poops be dry and firm,

Lafcadio

If you’d like to contribute a Friday Guest Mock please send it to mockable[at]gmail.com  If it’s funny and won’t get us sued, we’ll most likely feature it at the site.  And don’t forget to include the address to your blog or website, so we can link back at ya.  Thanks! – metten