Fuck You Carl!

2009 October 20
by mockers

CarlI hate the name Carl.  Just say it out loud real quick.  Carl.  It sounds like hurl.  Everyone named Carl makes me want to hurl.  Fuck you Carl…seriously.

As everyone knows, the name Carl is of old German origin and means, “free man.”  That’s just like you Carl.  You’re such a dickhead…going around taunting people with your freedom.  I’m sure there’s some poor Chinese dude out there who’s been imprisoned for his political beliefs, thinking of you Carl, as you clumsily stumble through life a free man…teasing him…haunting him.  This guy’s chained to a wall and you’re driving to work in your Chevy Cobalt, forcing everyone to call you Carl.  That would be like me changing my name to “Ham Sandwich” and then waddling around the slums of Kuala Lumpur, taunting starving children with my obesity.  God Carl, you’re such a dick.  Fuck you Carl.

The only way your name could be more infuriating, Carl, is if you spelled it Karl.  Either way, you’re a douche.  I mean, look at some other Carl’s: there’s Carl Sagan – the guy who wrote all those science books that I couldn’t understand that made me flunk out of school and have to work as the guy that sucks out the portable toilets after the county fair.  Then there’s Carl Sandburg, that shitty poet that ruined my chances with Cindy Lou.  I snuck over to her house one night and stood under her window.  I recited the most romantic Carl Sandburg poem I could find.  It turned out the goddamned thing was about Abe Lincoln.  All the girls called me “railsplitter” from then on (which would have been a pretty cool nickname had it not been for the circumstances).  And finally, there’s Karl Rove – the guy who tricked me into voting Republican…oh and he also stole my prom date, took her to inspiration point and then water-boarded her for hours under a full moon.  She was never the same again Carl…and I voted Republican…asshole.  Fuck you Carl!

I once knew a girl who dated someone named Carl.  She had to break up with him because it sounded too weird to her to say the name during sex.  “Oh…God…Carl…Carl…harder Carl!” She would laugh as she reminisced about your time together.  She never achieved orgasm because she was laughing too hard at your name.  I’ve searched high and low and I can’t find a woman who has ever known a good lover named Carl.  Of course, this is the first question that I ask women when I meet them and I often don’t get an answer.   Hope you’re happy Carl, you’ve turned me into a sociopath.  Fuck you Carl!

Also, Carl is the 47th most popular name in the United States.  All of your mothers are unoriginal simpletons who are incapable of creative thought.  Yeah I’m talking about your mother, Carl.  By extension, no one named Carl has any real chance of making a creative and significant contribution to society.  Face it Carl, you’re a bad guy who shares a name with other bad guys – you ruined my chances for a decent career as well as my ability to interact with other people in meaningful ways…and you taunt Chinese political prisoners.  Fuck you Carl!

24 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 October 20
    AngryWhiteGuy permalink

    The name is so mockable that the term “giving someone a Hot Carl” comes to mind. Go ahead– google it.

  2. 2009 October 20

    OH GOD! Don’t vote Republican!
    They sneak around giving big corporations our money.

    Vote Democrat, they give them our money right out in the open.

    Oh yea…Fuck you Carl!

  3. 2009 October 20
    Limey permalink

    I think Carl’s Jr. deserves an exception.

  4. 2009 October 20
    metten permalink

    If Karl Rove had been a democrat, I would have said democrat…it’s not a political position – it’s just a terrible, terrible joke.

  5. 2009 October 20

    Don’t forget that fat nosed actor Karl Malden and basketball player turn pro wrestler who got his ass kicked by Hulk Hogan at the 1998 battle at “Bash at the Beach” Karl Malone. What a douche. Guess that mailman didn’t deliver that one…

    Limey – Exception from what, their suck ass food that encourages people to get even fatter with those thick burgers? The fries suck all to hell. Gimme a break! Pbbsstt!!!

  6. 2009 October 20
    WB in OH permalink

    There was a Carl down the street growing up that I was terrified of, still am but what the hell I suddenly feel emboldened, Fuck you Carl! *flinch* ha ha that felt good!

  7. 2009 October 20

    gonna fuck your mom
    and give her a hot carl
    Chessclub Payback, BITCH!

    mockers is awesome.

  8. 2009 October 20

    damn… lemme rewrite that

    gonna fuck your mom
    and then give her a hot carl
    chessclub payback, BITCH!

    sorry for the typo. i will defenestrate myself as punnishment.

  9. 2009 October 20

    I’ve know/have known a few Carl/Karl(s).
    Grand douchebags, everyone of them.
    Fuck you, Carl/Karl(s)

  10. 2009 October 20

    I knew a Carl who was a cross dresser. Not really a bad thing I suppose but he had really shity tastes and did not know how to accessorize.

  11. 2009 October 20
    Limey permalink

    Was he/she known as Carla?

    Mr. Rod, I don’t think you can complain about thick burgers – I don’t think you live on tofu and rice crackers, do you? And while I’ll agree that Carl’s Jr’s fries are not the best, the Good Lord invented onion rings for a reason.

  12. 2009 October 20
    Brynhildr permalink

    I’d like to add Carl Jung, Carl Weathers, and Karl Marx to the fuck you list.

    I agree with Limey that Carl Karcher deserves an exemption — his life’s work gave the world the Western Bacon Six Dollar Burger, for heaven’s sake. What more could anyone ask for?

    I would also like my childhood friend Karl W. to be granted an exemption just because he grew up to be extraordinarily hot (not a “hot Carl”), filthy rich, and cleverer than most people I know, all without becoming an über-douche. If I had known then what I know now…. (sigh)

  13. 2009 October 20

    I have never had sex with a Carl, or a Karl. Not even back in my slutty days…

  14. 2009 October 20

    My statement was a political position and a terrible, terrible truth.
    All polititians suck arse!
    I’ll bet that all their real names are Carl/Karl…yea that’s it!
    All of our elected officials are actually named Carl, that explains a lot!

  15. 2009 October 20
    t-storm permalink

    A guy named carl punched me in my dick right around new years eve 2006/2007. He believes the moon landings were faked and that jews control the world and that the world will end in 2012. What is it douche? Jews, Mayans, or my cock?

  16. 2009 October 21
    SeanInSac permalink

    This has got to be the most comments ever on Mockable. Who knew the Carl/Karl’s of the world could stir up this much passion. For the record I’ve only known one Carl. I worked with him up in Alaska one summer; he was an electrician and an complete pothead. He started every day with a beer and a bowl, pretty nice guy over all, just always looked really sleepy 🙂

  17. 2010 May 5
    Carl permalink

    I speak on behalf of the Carls of the world. Your hate fuels us. Thank you.

  18. 2010 November 24
    Fuck you Karl permalink

    My boss is named Karl. He’s a cheap piece of shit who would rather save a few dollars than make sure that his employees are safe. Karl, you are truly a shysty piece of shit. Eat a bowl of dicks.

  19. 2011 May 10
    carl sundberg permalink

    I am a carl who is also an electrician who starts the bowl with a beer of the morning. they were all like, “CARL!!!!” and i was like “oh shit, you talkin to me? well, i better be on my best behavior..i can’t even tell if they’re lookin cuz im damn near blind”

  20. 2011 May 10
    carl sundberg permalink

    no really, lots of em were all like “CARL!” i thought it was the drugs so i quit but it was real. i mean, im really not even crazy. but i must be something to live through that and not be crazy. i mean, shitloads…CARL!!!…all weekend..at Rothbury

  21. 2011 May 10
    carl sundberg permalink

    so pretty much, fuck me, carl

  22. 2011 May 11
    carl sundberg permalink

    i bet that guy would eat a bowl of dicks, maybe even a dinner plate if you paid him enough
    come on carling family
    you fucking carlers

  23. 2016 April 12

    I am a Carl and I have to disagree with the comments on sexual performance. I have had many girlfriends and they would tell me I am a fabulous kisser. And the sexual performance they would talk about it every time that I perform outstanding. So stick it up your ass if you really don’t like the name Carl. I was named after both my grandfathers and my father. I take it as an honor.

  24. 2016 April 12
    T-storm permalink

    That’s a fuck you 3 generations deep.

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