Germaphobes = Mockable

2009 November 30
by mockers

germsOkay, first and foremost – there is a difference between the clinically ill mysophobiac and the jackass that I’m referring to here.  If you can’t leave your house because of a paralyzing fear of dirt – I’m terribly sorry for your misfortune and I wish you a speedy recovery.

If, on the other hand, you only drink out of paper cups and you bathe in hand sanitizer every time you come into contact with a doorknob – chill the fuck out.  Seriously.

There’s a certain level of cleanliness that must be achieved to, you know…avoid the friggin’ plague.  Otherwise, you’re just being a paranoid douche that thinks you’re somehow “cleaner” than everybody else.  I was watching the office germaphobe (okay, I’m going to take a quick break here to let you guys know that the spell checker told me that it didn’t think the word “germaphobe” was spelled correctly.  When I asked for suggestions, it gave me: Germaine,  Germayne, germanium and hermaphrodite.  Wait, what?  Hermaphrodite?  Seriously?   Have any of you ever tried to tell a sweet little story about hermaphrodites in love and accidentally typed the word “germophobe?”  Weird) at a business breakfast last week and the guy happily dug into an egg casserole that had bread and crumbled sausage in it among other things.  After consuming more than his share of this dish in a manner reminiscent of a starved hog, the man loudly proclaimed that he hadn’t been sick in years because of his germaphobe lifestyle.  He actually called himself a germaphobe.  Then he started giving out “tips” for living the germaphobe life.  The guy made sure that everyone in the room knew to never order a lemon in their water because, “they never clean them or anything – there’s just a bucket of lemons and the waitstaff just reaches in there with their bare hands, pulls off the sticker, cuts up the lemon and just throws it in your drink – they may as well just put their fingers in it.”

Thanks for the tip there genius.  Whew!  That was a close one.  I’ll never touch a lemon again.  Hey – just for fun – why don’t we take a look at the stuff you just shoveled into your mouth?  Take the sausage, for example…some farmer in Iowa let an animal run around on his land for a while – occasionally the cute little guy would eat corn, but often he would eat his own feces and the feces of his companion animals.  Then he would spend his days rolling around in a mixture of mud and feces.  He was, I’m certain, as happy as a pig in shit.  Then the farmer put the animal in a truck and sent him on his journey that would eventually include a factory in Sioux City, Iowa. An illegal immigrant happily chopped the feces-consuming pig into little parts on a conveyor belt that thousands of shit-eating dead pigs had laid on before him.  Then they palletized the little guys and sent them to the local grocery store where an apathetic teenager used his bare hands to feed the animal’s remains through a grinder that hadn’t been cleaned since God-knows-when.  I encourage you, Mr. proud-to-be-a-germaphobe to go to any of the places that I mentioned in the previous paragraph and look at the floor.  Thank Jesus you made sure there wasn’t any lemon in your water! Jackass…

Oh – and about the bread at the bottom of the casserole?  I have one thing to say to you:  the world is a filthy place – but that’s part of it.  We need germs and filth.  I’m not suggesting that you go roll around in crap and then come back to work – I am, however, suggesting that you  shut the fuck up about your “healthy” lifestyle. If you want to end up like Jim freaking Jupiter that’s your business.  Hell, go ahead and lock yourself in your office and jerk of with hand sanitizer for all I care – just leave the rest of us out of it. Oh – and before you finish that coffee – why don’t I show you a few snapshots of the factory in China where those cups were made…

7 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 November 30

    Remember to wash yer hands before you use the toilet. After all it is easier to track where your junk has been than to track where your hands have been.

    Actually there are studies that show us to be too clean. So our immune systems, always spoiling for a fight, turn on healthy tissue.

  2. 2009 November 30

    What if a family member (let’s say your daughter) is immuno-compromised because she had a transplant (let’s say her liver). Is it okay to be germaphobic then?

  3. 2009 November 30
    metten permalink

    Sure, as long as you don’t go to work and holler from the rooftops about all the new and interesting ways that you’re a germaphobe.

  4. 2009 November 30

    But what good is it to do or know anything if I can’t act condescending about it to everyone else?

  5. 2009 November 30
    AngryWhiteGuy permalink

    Saw a 20/20 the other night about H. Mandel’s obsession with germs. It was unbelievable. Dude washes his money before handling it. Puts towels IN the tub at hotels before showering so he does not have to stand in the tub directly. Flys in a sterile plane to stand-up performances and figures that the performances are free, since he spends all the proceeds to sterilize his environments (i.e plane, hotel room, etc). Seems like a sad way to have to live.

    However, on another note, when we go out to eat, I ask for my food to go and eat out of the box at the table, just because I have seen so many unnatural things go through restaurant dish machines, such as mop heads, laundry, dead animals. You never know, huh?

  6. 2009 November 30
    kristin permalink

    Thank you!!!! I have a coworker who recently bought disinfecting wipes, placed the in the vestibules of all the laboratories, and put signs on them that said “To clean off door handles – Happy germ fighting!” I have never wanted to sneeze on someone so much in my life.

  7. 2009 December 1
    ADubb permalink

    AWG- not attempting to ruin your dining out experience but I see how some of those carry out containers are stored!! At least those dishes have seen some water and maybe soap. Almost like the lesser of two evils.

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