Gino’s Naked…and Afraid of Nothing!!

2017 July 20
by mockers

This one’s from longtime Mockable friend and contributor, Gino. It’s super good…so good it almost motivated me to get off my ass and write something myself…almost. Thanks Gino!

I’ll admit it: I love watching shitty television shows about people left alone to “survive” in the jungle. There’s something fascinating about watching two naked preppers get their asses eaten by mosquitoes and yell at each other while spooning under the shade of a grass hut that really trips my trigger. Is it because these people have trained day and night for years just for the chance to starve in the Amazon for three weeks? Maybe it’s because the story arc of every episode is the same? But, really, it’s probably the fact that when I’m watching these shows I think to myself that I can do it, too.

Mind you, I’m not in peak physical shape. I can’t do a pull-up, I avoid most other exercise like a $2 Vegas all-you-can-eat buffet, and haven’t willingly eaten a salad since Obama’s first term. But that doesn’t stop me from pulling out the “coulda gone pro” classics like, “She isn’t even trying out there!” and “He couldn’t make fire with gasoline and a match.” It’s just so easy to say things when I’m watching someone nervously flail a sharpened stick at a snake that, frankly, is not having any of their shit today. But I digress…

It’s the art of these shows that keeps me coming back every week (and while I’m working from home with my ass planted squarely in the center of the couch to watch reruns in between articles). Every episode starts the same way. Two trucks roll through the dusty/wet/rocky terrain, each one carrying a fully clothed and cocky survivalist. The survivors, a man and a woman, spout off a little bullshittery about how they killed a boar once with nothing but a shoelace and half a stick of Big Red, and then they start ripping off their clothes. After some awkward but necessary time to acclimate to each other’s junk, they saunter off through the vines to kick nature’s ass.

From that point on all hell breaks loose, and next thing you know you’re watching two naked people crying in the dark while trying to eat sticks. The complete turnaround with these people after two days is something you couldn’t make up, even if you wanted to. And every single time I think to myself, “Pssssssssh, I ate a Skittle off the floor at work once and it was totally fine!” But lo and behold, having a steel stomach doesn’t appear to be a hot commodity in the swamp, especially when a good portion of the day seems to be devoted to either crapping behind a bush or laying down on a big, flat rock.
I really shouldn’t poke too much fun at them, though. They’re living the dream and getting to see the world in all its untouched glory. Meanwhile, I had a full-blown panic attack at Target once because they moved the deodorant to the other end of the aisle.

In reality, I know what side my bread is buttered on and it sure as hell isn’t the side that thinks a grub is worth eating without some tempura batter and a Fry Daddy. But for one hour a week (and four to six hours on Thursdays depending on Discovery’s programming schedule), I’m right there with them strangling the life out of a snake with my bare hands. That’s good enough for me.


If you want to get in on the action, I guess send it to me at metten0(_at_)gmail. I have no idea what the email even is anymore, much less how to open it and read stuff. See you guys soon…and comment for chissake willya?

2 Responses leave one →
  1. 2017 July 21
    Tiff permalink

    ‘how they killed a boar once with nothing but a shoelace and half a stick of Big Red’ – classic. Great takedown!

  2. 2017 July 21
    Gino permalink

    Sometimes I can be a real Hemingway! 😛

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