Gino’s Unwanted and Unwarranted Fast Food Opinions

This one’s from longtime Mockable friend and contributor, Gino.  It was inspired by this seminal piece of internet diamondry by our hero Jeff Kay. Thanks Gino!

As part of my endless mission to punish myself daily, I spend a lot of time driving along the New York State Thruway. My job is 70 miles from where I live, so in a given week I might spend somewhere between 8 and 10 hours driving in a straight line while contemplating awkward moments I had in eighth grade, the name of that one woman who flirted with me at the gym four years ago or what roadside cuisine is least likely to create a Jackson Pollack painting in my trousers.

When it comes to the food offered at the fine establishments operated by the state of New York, the pickings are rather slim. Short of the oddball Tim Horton’s, you’re left with a heaping pile of mediocrity fit for a frazzled father, his impatient wife and their three constantly wheezing children. With that in mind, I humbly offer an unwanted and unwarranted opinion ranking the best and worst food stops along the I-90 corridor. Bon appetit!

Arby’s – The thing I love about Arby’s is that it’s always good and no matter where I go I’m never surprised by the price. If there’s one thing I know about this roast beef slinging shitshow, it’s that I’m guaranteed to walk out of the restaurant minus a $20 and covered in Horsey sauce. I don’t care if it’s made out of ass meat and oatmeal, they never mail it in.

Burger King – Burger King is like that friend your mom had you hang out with in high school so you wouldn’t end up in the back of a cop car for spray painting angsty teen nonsense on the side of a bridge. It’s safe, consistent and, albeit a little bland, not bad at all for what you’re actually getting. With that said, don’t trust the eggs unless you have a fetish for eating rubber bands.

Dunkin’ Donuts – Around these parts, Dunkin’ is a bit of a regional delicacy. A poor man’s Starbucks, this chain is known for glomming onto whatever is cool and pushing it to the verge of unbearable. If Dunkin’ Donuts was a musical act, it would be Pitbull. If Dunkin’ was a person, I imagine they would walk into a crowded bar and push everyone out of the way just so it can order a gin and tonic with extra cucumber juice.

McDonald’s – What can I say about McDonald’s that can’t also be said about a dominatrix? The second your foot hits that white tiled dungeon of depravity, there’s a McDouble in your mouth like a meaty ball gag and a whip made of fries smacking your ass. The only thing left to do at that point is grin and bear it until you actually have to pay up, which inevitably leaves my wallet as empty as my lard-filled soul.

Roy Rogers – If you had asked me when I was eight years old what I thought of Roy Rogers’, I would have extolled the virtue of their moist, flavorful chicken. And those biscuits! Tap-dancing Christ, those biscuits were like flaky pillows! Now? I’d rather eat my own farts than touch anything coming out of this culinary dumpster fire. In the same way some athletes retire long after their peak, ol’ Roy should have shut this place down when they had KFC on the ropes.

Starbucks – Nope. If I’m paying $7 dollars for coffee, I’d rather just burn it at home and save myself the attitude.

Sbarro – Sbarro is the lowest common denominator of Thruway food. You like pizza? Yeah, me too. But that’s not what you’re getting here. I imagine before taking over a Sbarro franchise, every manager must spend a week in the wilderness learning how to craft their signature pies using nothing but things they’ve found on the ground. After several harrowing days left alone with their thoughts, a tired and weary manager stumbles out of the woods with a pizza made out of moistened tree bark, squirrel blood, and shredded styrofoam. That pizza, much like their other wares, is proudly displayed like a curated museum piece for all to admire but never purchase. It’s a shame, really.

So, there you have it! You don’t need to take my advice (no one ever does), but consider it some valuable insight from a man who’s 50 pounds overweight and spends countless hours during the week shuffling along I-90. And until next time… Happy Eating!

If you want to get in on the action, I guess send it to me at metten0(_at_)gmail. I have no idea what the mockable.org email even is anymore, much less how to open it and read stuff. See you guys soon…and comment for chissake willya?