God I Wish I Could Disable Your Forward Button/Face

2011 April 11
by mockers

I found this piece of crap in my inbox this morning, sent to me by a friend who happens to be old:

“THIS is what Thomas Jefferson was saying; and THIS is what modern America and modern politics has totally forgotten.

Thomas Jefferson was a very remarkable man who started learning very early in life and never stopped.

? At 5, began studying under his cousin’s tutor.

? At 9, studied Latin, Greek and French.

? At 14, studied classical literature and additional languages.

? At 16, entered the College of William and Mary.

? At 19, studied Law for 5 years starting under George Wythe.

? At 23, started his own law practice.

? At 25, was elected to the Virginia House of Burgesses.

? At 31, wrote the widely circulated “Summary View of the Rights of British America ” and retired from his law practice.

? At 32, was a Delegate to the Second Continental Congress.

? At 33, wrote the Declaration of Independence .

? At 33, took three years to revise Virginia ’s legal code and wrote a Public Education bill and a statute for Religious Freedom.

? At 36, was elected the second Governor of Virginia succeeding Patrick Henry.

? At 40, served in Congress for two years.

? At 41, was the American minister to France and negotiated commercial treaties with European nations along with Ben Franklin and John Adams.

? At 46, served as the first Secretary of State under George Washington.

? At 53, served as Vice President and was elected president of the American Philosophical Society.

? At 55, drafted the Kentucky Resolutions and became the active head of Republican Party.

? At 57, was elected the third president of the United States .

? At 60, obtained the Louisiana Purchase doubling the nation’s size.

? At 61, was elected to a second term as President.

? At 65, retired to Monticello .

? At 80, helped President Monroe shape the Monroe Doctrine.

? At 81, almost single-handedly created the University of Virginia and served as its first president.

? At 83, died on the 50th anniversary of the Signing of the Declaration of Independence along with John Adams

Thomas Jefferson knew because he himself studied the previous failed attempts at government.  He understood actual history, the nature of God, his laws and the nature of man.  That happens to be way more than what most understand today.  Jefferson really knew his stuff.  A voice from the past to lead us in the future:

John F. Kennedy held a dinner in the white House for a group of the brightest minds in the nation at that time. He made this statement: “This is perhaps the assembly of the most intelligence ever to gather at one time in the White House with the exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone.”

“When we get piled upon one another in large cities, as in Europe, we shall become as corrupt as Europe .”  — Thomas Jefferson

“The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not.”
— Thomas Jefferson

“It is incumbent on every generation to pay its own debts as it goes.  A principle which if acted on would save one-half the wars of the world.”
— Thomas Jefferson

“I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them.”  — Thomas Jefferson

“My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from too much government.”  — Thomas Jefferson

“No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.”  — Thomas Jefferson

“The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government.”
— Thomas Jefferson

“The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.”  — Thomas Jefferson

“To compel a man to subsidize with his taxes the propagation of ideas which he disbelieves and abhors is sinful and tyrannical.”
— Thomas Jefferson

Thomas Jefferson said in 1802:
“I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies.
If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around the banks will deprive the people of all property – until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered.”

I wish we could get this out to everyone!!!

I’m doing my part.  Please do yours……”


This was my response:

Dear email forwarder,

I write to you today in response to an email you sent me titled, “THIS is what Thomas Jefferson was saying;  and THIS is what modern America and modern politics has totally forgotten.”  I hope you do not interpret my response as political debate, as I do not discuss party line political matters with anyone but my cat Princess.  Otherwise, I get in the booth, vote my conscience and keep my mouth shut.  For all anyone knows, I might support the platform that your email forward tacitly endorses – but if I wanted to talk about it I would save it for my nightly debates with Princess. I realize that you are simply making use of the old axiom that “famous dead people make excellent commentators on current events” to advance your personal beliefs and I don’t necessarily fault you for that.  I simply find Thomas Jefferson to be one of the most inappropriate famous dead people that someone could choose for this purpose.

Thomas Jefferson bore the burden of substantial monetary debt throughout his life and it was his reputation in large part that kept creditors at bay. His debt eventually grew so ponderous that his family were forced to sell much of his property, including Monticello, after Jefferson’s death. His grandson and executor of his estate, Thomas Jefferson Randolph, posted an advertisement for his estate sale, indicating that Jefferson’s debts at his death amounted to $107,000. Converting this figure into a modern estimate is an inexact process at best, but it would probably be somewhere between $1,000,000 and $2,000,000. Many factors contributed to Jefferson’s indebtedness. These are only a couple of the reasons behind the accumulation of his debt:

  • Although Jefferson was wealthy in land and slaves, farming proved to be an unreliable and inadequate source of income.
  • Jefferson lived perpetually beyond his means, spending large amounts of money on building projects, furnishings, wine, etc.

Jefferson also shared and only mildly questioned, that the “dark” races were inferior to the “white.” Moreover, Jefferson’s presidential removal policies proved horribly destructive to Native Americans. They set the pattern for the Bill for Indian Removal, signed by President Jackson in 1830, whose cruel enforcement resulted in the Trail of Tears of 1838-39 and other atrocities. Jefferson’s prophetic advancement of human liberty is deeply tainted by his shameful legacy in matters of race. Not only did Jefferson own slaves, but he allegedly kept at least one as his concubine. Also, at least one of those quotes is completely fake (http://www.snopes.com/quotes/jefferson/banks.asp).

There’s no doubt that the man possessed a superior intellect and that he served our country well.  However, I see little value in sending me alleged quotes from a guy who spent his entire life working in government to illustrate the evils of government.  I see little value in lessons about monetary policy and debt management from a man who was perpetually in debt and died bankrupt. Finally, I see little value in taking morality advice from a guy who believed his race to be superior to others and literally fucked people he owned.

If you are going to cherry pick quotes from an 83 year lifespan to support a movement conservative agenda that existed only at the extremist fringe of national American politics until Ronald Reagan’s election, you could do a lot better than Thomas Jefferson. To be honest with you, I actually think Weezy Jefferson might be a better choice.

Your pal,


So I guess the moral of the story is that people who forward shit like this are definitely mockable and should probably be subjected to some kind of serious corporal punishment, like being dragged into the woods and raped by clowns.  If you are one of these people, fucking quit it.  You are not going to change anyone’s position on an issue unless they are severely weak and impressionable…and do you really want this person on your side?

Sorry this wasn’t especially funny.  If you were looking for true Thomas Jefferson humor, I do hereby direct you to this piece by the hilarious Joshua Allen.


By the way, large portions of this article were blatantly stolen from Thom Belote at the Unitarian Universalist Historical Society (UUHS) (http://www25.uua.org/uuhs/duub/articles/thomasjefferson.html) If you want to know which parts were written by me and which parts were stolen from Thom, I suggest you look for the word fuck. I highly doubt Thom says it very often.

5 Responses leave one →
  1. 2011 April 11

    “Finally, I see little value in taking morality advice from a guy who believed his race to be superior to others and literally fucked people he owned.”


    I have to say, if I owned people it would be very tempting to literally fuck them. In the ass. Daily. Can’t really fault ole shitbag Jefferson on that one. But I do hate the FWD jockies. Don’t ever forward me anything EVER. I had to block my grandparents and in-laws because of this. They’d fill my inbox in a matter of days with bullshit crap and chain letters (e-mail this to 9 people you love, or I will die at midnight).

  2. 2011 April 12
    Valentin permalink

    Great mock. I hated those fucking forwards too.

  3. 2011 April 12
    Nurse Ratched permalink

    There are only 2 things that I don’t like about Jefferson, his face.

  4. 2011 April 12
    Big Bear in OH permalink

    Bravo! I thoroughly enjoyed that one, and support your political ideals and the fact that you only discuss them with your cat.

  5. 2011 April 13
    tncaveboy permalink

    when in the course of human events it becomes necessary to make shit up to support your warped since of reality say a dead person said it. the more revered and dead the longest the more true it becomes.

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