Guest Mock: A Day in My Life

I love this one.  Unfortunately, it came with no instructions from an email account that is attributed to someone named David.  I am not foolish enough to think that all ‘Davids’ are men – but I’ve yet to meet a female ‘David’.  It’s possible that it’s a work of fiction in the first person from someone named David.  If so, it’s really good, but I’d be kind of sad to learn that Chu’s sister isn’t real – mostly ’cause I want to party with her.  So anyway, here’s a really good guest mock from David.  UPDATE:  Her name is Emily, she is really real, and I’m told she’s gonna have more coming.  I still don’t know who David is…:

It’s Saturday and the rest of the world is off work, I am on the other hand on my way to the place I call hell for what they call mandatory overtime. As I drive in I realize I only have 5 cigarettes-that won’t last the night. I’d kill someone if I couldn’t have a smoke. I pull into the nearest store and go in. On my way in I saw a crackhead lingering and hoped he wouldn’t try to speak. I stood in line behind a woman who obviously shouldn’t be smoking as she hacked out in her raspy voice-“give me a carton of your cheapest full flavors.” The door opened and I just knew the crackhead had come in and I was about to meet my destiny.

“Hey gurl” he said

I ignored him as gurl isn’t my name. I got my cigarettes and turned to leave, knowing I would have to face him.

“Hey gurl” he said again.

Rolling my eyes I pushed past him.

Following me out to my car he said ” shit gurl can I ride wit chu?”

“Chu is my sisters name, you must have us confused” I said as I got in my car.

“Where you goin?” he inquired.

“To work” was my short reply.

“You gotta get off sometime” he said with a pervy wink.

“I doubt you could do it” I said as I backed away.

Never one to give up he yelled after me “I’d treat you good gurl” I just knew at that point it was going to be one of those days.

The Parade of losers

Pulling into the parking lot, I watched as all of my coworkers walked into work. This part of my day I fondly call the parade of losers, as that is what most of them are. Good here comes Brenda, I’d love to punch her in the face on general principle. A person so stupid that she shouldn’t have been allowed to breed and yet she had crapped out another generation of losers. She only had the one tooth left in the front and it freaked me out. One day she told me she wanted a candy bar because she had a sweet tooth. In my head I wondered if that one tooth had to take turns with all her cravings. Anyway here come Angela, a woman who really blows my mind. You can’t possibly have a conversation with her because every time you get a word or two out she starts talking again. Usually if I just look pissed, she will go bother someone else. She loves to brag about her four grandchildren born out of wedlock to her 19 year old daughter, all of whom have different fathers. I’d be real proud too. She reminds me of a woman I worked with in Tulsa, OK. After hearing about he 9-11 attack on the Pentagon, she turned to me and asked if that was downtown by the hospital. I had to walk away to keep from laughing in her face.

Karl

I don’t trust anyone whose name is spelled out of the ordinary. Amy should be Amy, not Aimee. There is only one spelling for Katie-not Katy or my favorite Catie. That does not make your name original. Anyway I can’t help thinking Karl would be a much better supervisor if his name was spelled with a c instead of the k. The man would also probably relax a bit if his pants weren’t pulled all the way up to his moobs-making his legs look as though they went up to his armpits. His crotch is kind of like a train wreck-you just can’t help looking at it as he walks by. His pants are so tight, he must not have any genitals as I can’t figure out where he hides them. I used to think he tucked them back into his crack but that would be absurd.

10:55

Its 10:55 pm and all I can think about is getting the hell out of here. It’s Saturday night and I am hoping to salvage something of it. All my friends decide to meet at the Star. I rush home, change and head off to the bar. The place isn’t great-but its rarely crowded. Its a good place to get shitty drunk if you don’t want to deal with people. I closed to bar down smoking and drinking Long Island Ice teas. Before I leave I head to the bathroom and find myself sitting there reading all the wisdom scratched into the paint on the stalls. “Jessica is a hobag”-not real impressive as most Jessicas are. “Randy has a tiny dick”-this one gets a laugh as I think I know him. But the one that caught my eye said “Poop it like you mean it” and in that moment I knew the secret of life. I now know I should always remember to do everything like I mean it and maybe all the dumb shit won’t bother me.