Guest Mock: Ice, Ice, NASA

Chuck in Belpre provides today’s guest mock, and does a fine job with it. Thanks, man! If you’d like to engage in cruel, cruel mockery like Chuck has, just send your article to mockable [at] gmail.com, and we’ll most likely feature it at the site. You know, as long as it’s not some 10,000 word crackpot diatribe railing against “the Illuminati,” or whatever. Nothing good has ever come from mocking the Illuminati…

What is it with NASA and ice? A couple weeks ago NASA found ice on the Moon. I saw an article today on Space.com that says NASA is testing drills to cut ice on Mars. They even gave the project a cool name, Icebite. Man, them NASA kids are some creative individuals. Ice! Goddam! We found ICE!

I have a fifteen year old Kelvinator that kicks out a bucket of ice every couple of hours. People in Fargo and St. Petersburg are up to their asses in ice 7 months out of 12. I’ve driven through Texas in August and could get ice at any Go-Mart. Hey, NASA, I will let you have all the ice you want in exchange for one of those neat caps the astronauts wear. Pre-roll the bill, please.

I’ve seen pictures and there isn’t much else on Mars really. Its not exactly a tourist magnet. Well, there are rocks. That’s about it. It’s kind of like Afghanistan without the shrapnel and furnished caves but I bet bin Laden has a Coleman full of ice.

Despite what Richard Hoagland might say there is no face on Mars or any deserted cities. Nothing…no odd race of Mars folk. You can check Wikipedia but I’m pretty sure Ray Bradbury was making all that shit up.

Sure, I know the theory. Gather up the ice and use electrolysis to derive hydrogen from the melted ice to use as fuel to return our intrepid astronauts to Earth. I bet Honda or Toyota are probably all over that contract already. I mean, shit, I can barely afford to keep gas in my aging Concorde and you guys are cracking water on Mars.

But, what if it isn’t your standard ice, the kind you can derive hydrogen from? That’s a cluster just waiting to happen. I can just hear it now:

Two astronauts eager to get home and get a decent shower and a hot meal.
“The fuck you mean it’s dry ice?”

So, come on, NASA. We have much more important stuff here on this old planet to worry about. I mean…Oprah is calling it quits. Nicolas Cage is broke. Global warming is driving otherwise moral women to prostitution. I mean…WTF?

Sheesh…ice.