Guest Mock: They Are Closing In

2010 January 29
by mockers

Today’s Guest Mock is provided by Chuck in Belpre, and it made me want a cigarette.  I was able to resist, but if you want to come over and smoke several cigarettes in my general vicinity…well, I wouldn’t be opposed to that. You can see more from Chuck at On with the mock:

I enjoy smoking. There, I said it. I enjoy that first hit of nicotine in the morning, that rush of well-being that greets me as I pour the day’s first cup of coffee. And after a good meal there is nothing that can compare to leaning back in satisfaction and lighting up. The smell of fine Turkish tobacco lit with a wooden match is like the finest perfume. A cigarette held lightly between the fingers looks somehow cool and elegant. The slow curl of smoke under the bedside lamp is a dramatic way to end the day, the cares and worries of the day blown away in a fragrant, gauzy cloud. Yes, I enjoy it.

Oh, I know that my lungs probably look like the inside of a truck tire. I look at it as a toughening process. I am able to stroll through forest fires and Indian restaurants without so much as a choke or wheeze. Weekend BBQ or brisket smoking contest? Let me in there, a little dense mesquite smoke is nothing to me.

Smoking was once a socially acceptable form of slow motion suicide. Now those of us who still maintain the habit have been branded as social lepers and the Health Nazis are closing in on us. It’s only a matter of time before they finally get us. I can only imagine that smokers will find themselves meeting outside of towns across America under cover of darkness to share in the joys of our evil habit, trading brands as if they were collectibles. It will be a dark time and I fear it’s not far off.

First it was only dire warnings on cigarette packs and snotty looks. Then they lobbied to ban smoking in public places and the politicians went blindly along. From there it was a small step to ban smoking in the workplace. Then it was restaurants and finally bars. We were herded outside to huddle together in all sorts of weather and made to suffer the stares and jeers of non-smokers. I maintain that the collapse of the economy is due, at least in part, to the actions of these health nuts. Productivity dropped as more and more workers were forced away from their desks and work stations to grab a quick smoke.

Never mind that these same Health Nazis allow their own children to gorge themselves on fast-food, deep fried pastries and sugar laden colas. Oh, some of these health nuts insist on eating things like tofu and sprouts but, by and large, vegans are still looked upon as strange and sinister so meat-eaters are safe. For now. But, don’t get smug. Make no mistake you are next. Be afraid, be very afraid.

So, there you have it. If, like me, you still enjoy a good smoke then be warned. Our time is short so enjoy that smoke while you can. I know I will. In fact, I have a Winston burning in the tray even as I write this. It smells wonderful…like Freedom on a warm Spring morning.

If you’d like to contribute a Friday Guest Mock please send it to mockable[at]  If it’s funny and won’t get us sued, we’ll most likely feature it at the site.  And don’t forget to include the address to your blog or website, so we can link back at ya.  Thanks!

7 Responses leave one →
  1. 2010 January 29
    WB in OH permalink

    Thanks for the support Chuck. It’s 11 measly degrees this morning but I WILL NOT BE DETERRED!

  2. 2010 January 29

    Yep. Dirty smoker here. Stuck outside in the 9 degree day.

  3. 2010 January 29

    I light up in front of the “No Smoking” sign all the time.

  4. 2010 January 29
    dto permalink

    A very cool friend had a great sign on his apartment door. Don’t know where he got it but it was quite official looking. It read….”THIS IS A SMOKING AREA. IF YOU INSIST ON NOT SMOKING…YOU WILL BE ASKED TO LEAVE THERE AREA”.

  5. 2010 February 1

    Cigarettes are bad for the smoker but good for those around the smoker. The gubermunt does not realize what they are messing with at all. Ban smoking and the health risks go through the roof for everyone. I smoked for 32 years just to keep from killing stupid people. I finally was able to overcome the completely natural instinct and was then able to quit smoking. I started drinking instead.

  6. 2010 February 4
    Melissa permalink

    If you love to smoke, more power to you. In fact, I think part of the tax on smoking materials should go to making weather proof smoking shelters in public places. If you ain’t gonna smoke, you can’t go in! Hell make them have WiFi, leather chairs, put your feet up! But, make sure they have windows that are always up. If you want to smoke in your own house, Great! Make smoking only apartment BUILDINGS, not just apartments, because I fucking hate it when the 92 year old lady upstairs smokes. I can smell it heavily right through the ducts. I hate having to traverse the smokers gauntlet whenever I leave a building. (Go to your happy hut!) Here’s the kicker, I’m fat. But you know what? I’m not spraying you with my cheeseburger stench when I walk by. I am not ramming Ding Dongs all over your cashmere jacket that you wore to the concert at the bar like an idiot, which will now NEVER not stink. I am all for your right to smoke, I just don’t want to partake myself, is that too much to ask? Keep your smoke reigned in, and I won’t smear you with Snak Cakez. Ok?

  7. 2010 February 13

    So, I take it you feel strongly about this.

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