Hold Please…
I was busy burning up my keyboard with an open letter to Charles S. Dutton’s penis when the phone started ringing. Apparently we have yet to conquer the concept of “snow”. I guess it’s not gonna happen today. 
Please feel free to write the mock for me in the comments. What would you say in an open letter to Charles S. Dutton’s penis?
UPDATE #1 Some of you (okay, just Vicki) are asking who Charles S. Dutton is and why you should ‘berate’ his penis.
Charles S. Dutton is one of the greatest actors of our time, of course. And I never suggested that you berate it. In fact, until I was so rudely interrupted, I was pursuing a James Lipton-esque angle where I was going to praise it for having the good sense to attach itself to Charles S. Dutton and then ask it about its motivation during its different roles over the years. For example, “When you were giving the ‘five foot nothin’, one hundred and nothin’ speech during the movie “Rudy,” did you cry a bit to get into the part? Did you think back to a time when you overcame the odds, Charles S. Dutton’s penis, and applied that to your performance? Please, tell us about that experience.
I thought it might be kind of a fun to see how you guys ran with it. I thought it might even turn into a regular gag – kind of like an improv group. Unfortunately, the idea doesn’t seem to be catching on fire. Like usual, there’s a ton of people running through here and like usual, nobody has anything to say to Charles S. Dutton’s penis. It’s your loss I guess.
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First off, who is this Dutton person and second, why the fuck do I need to berate the man’s penis?
Charles S. Dutton’s penis-I don’t normally write to penises but felt inclined after some guilty prodding and just wanted you to know I thought you were great in Without a Trace. I was going to ask you if you ever got to see the inside of Kathryn Morris but after doing the research to get her name I realized she was in Cold Case (Lily Rush) and I had you confused with Thom Barry (Will Jeffries), so now that I’ve sorted this out I realized I don’t remember you in WaT and would have to retract that statement. Sorry.
Charles S. Dutton’s Penis, were you in fear for your life at any point when filming “Surviving The Game” with Gary Busey? I mean, Ice-T is a badass, but I suspect, pretty cool if you’re not a dick to him, pardon the pun. But Busey just seems unhinged. I would expect, Charles S. Dutton’s Penis, that Mr. Busey would easily threaten to cut you from Charles S. Dutton’s body, and defenestrate you, simply for declining to snort an entire eight-ball from a dead hookers’ ass cheek. And mean it. Thoughts, Charles S. Dutton’s Penis?
Dear CDP…we have never met and actually I’m quite ok with that. However, if one were to give kudos to the ability of someone to stay in character with Liv Tyler looking so hot and beinging lusted after by Lyle Lovett while banging Chris O’Donnell. You however remained loylal to Miss Cookie. I admire your ability to play your role in a relaxed manner and never requesting the scene you wrote, be inserted into the body of work before you. It truly was “Cookie’s Fortune” to have you ready , willing and able to bring your long and very capable methods of bringing a scene to it’s full climax.
…dhp
See?! It does work! I was accused of being lazy…someone actually said to me that it wouldn’t be funny if it was anything other than Charles S. Dutton’s penis. And by writing to his penis, I was going after the easy joke…not only is it funny, but it requires a certain amount of talent to ask knowledgeable and worthwhile questions to a guy’s penis. Thanks for your help!
Sorry Metten. I just can’t speak directly to a penis I’ve not met. I have a hard enough (teeheehee, I said hard) time speaking to one I’ve been intimate with.
Dear Charles S. Dutton’s Penis,
I googled Charles S. Dutton to find out who the man is that you are currently attached to, and I discovered that he served 3 years for possesion of a deadly weapon. I have to ask you, do you feel any remorse for causing this man to serve a prison sentence? While I myself have a penis, it has never been called a deadly weapon, and it has certainly not caused me to go to prison for three years. While I admire you for being fearsome enough to be classified as a deadly weapon, I can’t help but feel you shouldn’t let all that blood get to your head. Here’s hoping you never get your handler sent to prison again.
Your biggest fan,
Daniel Cosgrove
This is awesome. I think something like this might become a regular Tuesday activity.
I love that Cosgrove qualified his initial statement with the word “currently” – as though Charles S. Dutton’s penis may someday be (or may have at some time in the past been) attached to someone else. I suppose a penis can dare to dream.
I was going for the Lipton approach, but I don’t think I said “Charles S. Dutton’s Penis” enough to be Liptonesque….
Charles S. Dutton’s penis,
I know that when a woman says to me, “fuck you”, that she is not interested in having sex with me. I wonder however, what the outcome of a woman saying this to would be.
I also wonder if you would be interested in being the primary host, in name and image, for a website called PocketPalPenPal.com?
Cher Mons Dutton’s penis,
There’s been a lot of bullshit, impress the editor questions here on mock-a-lot but I’m cutting straight to the chase, Howard
Stern style (if such a style exists…). You were a part of “A Time To Kill”…did you get to see inside Sandra or Ashley?