How to Safely Operate a Cheeseburger

As with any heavy sandwich, safety should be priority one when operating a cheeseburger.  Proper equipment must be used at all times, including gloves, boots, long pants, hearing protection, and safety glasses.  While it’s true that a cheeseburger isn’t as potentially dangerous as a French Dip or Monte Cristo, only a fool will underestimate its power.

Before using a cheeseburger, a person should acquaint himself with the device.  He should also read the safety precautions and instructions in the owner’s manual. Please note that this article is only a quick overview, and will not provide a full understanding of the dangers of heavy and semi-heavy sandwiches.  Further education is necessary and advised.

The fundamentals of burger safety

A style of burger should be chosen that feels comfortable in the user’s hands, and a well-lit, ventilated work space is recommended.  If a cheeseburger is being operated out of doors, it is very important to check for overhead power lines.

NEVER use a cheeseburger that isn’t in proper working order!  And if a sandwich should happen to overheat during use, allow it an adequate cooling-off period before proceeding.  Explosions are not unusual.

The toppings, of course, pose the greatest danger.  They are moving parts, which means they’re unpredictable – even inside the most well-crafted burgers.  Respect for this truth should be paramount, and never forgotten.

Take, for instance, the sad case of one Horace J., formerly of Las Vegas, Oklahoma.  He’d been using cheeseburgers, as well as hamburgers and fast food chicken sandwiches, for nearly fifty years.  He bragged to his friends about his virtuosity, and apparently believed he no longer needed to concern himself with burger safety.

One day, while on a lunch break at his job, Horace was clowning and showboating with a cheeseburger.  His co-workers began taking cover, fearing the worst.  And the worst eventually came.  Horace was holding the sandwich with one hand, whipping it through the air like a jetliner, when an onion slice suddenly shot out and severed his carotid artery.

Horace J. was pronounced dead inside the ambulance on its way to the hospital.  All because he got cocky, and felt he was no longer bound by the cheeseburger safety code.

Remember: a flying onion slice or hurtling pickle blade doesn’t care how big of an expert you happen to be.  It’ll slice your fucking throat.

Spreads are also a danger, especially mustard and some relishes.  Anything beyond a pea-sized deposit of yellow mustard on a bun is a substantial risk.  Push your luck, and they’ll be grafting ass skin to your shoulders.

Indeed, the mixing of mustard, mayonnaise, and ketchup (aka catsup; aka red red sauce), while still common in certain parts of North America, is a potentially lethal cocktail.

Take, for instance, the sad case of one Dean L., formerly of Boston, Kentucky.  He knew of the dangers of wanton condiment mixing, his employer had required him to attend several cheeseburger safety classes, but he continued with the risky behavior nonetheless.

Until, that is, the day his wife walked into the kitchen and found nothing but a skeleton wearing clothes…

Condiment mixing is still a controversial issue in the United States, what with its close association with certain fundamental religious sects, etc.  But we believe it should be avoided where possible.

Seek further information

As mentioned above, further education on this subject is recommended.  A good place to start is L.L.L. Anderson’s excellent 1987 two-part study:  “Safe Operation of Cranes, Hoists, and Heavy Sandwiches,” and “The Hazards of Long Hair, Loose Clothing, and Jewelry in a Cheeseburger Environment.”

Here’s to your continued burger safety!