Introducing Tammie Thursday – Televangelism: God’s own little reality shows

2011 June 9
by mockers
I am very excited to announce Tammie as our new Thursday contributor. She has been a Surf Reporter at least as long as I have and has been consistently hilarious for years.  We are extremely fortunate to have her, especially considering what we pay…nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Tammie, the blonde goddess.  Please enjoy:
What I want to know is why televangelists are so popular. Hell, they even have channels on cable dedicated to religious programming.


I find the definition of Evangelist very interesting.

Evangelist :a Christian who explains his or her beliefs to a non-Christian and thereby participates in Evangelism

An Evangelist “explains” their beliefs to non-Christians. What I want to know is how do they know WHO the “non-Christians” are?
Yeah, I guess they’re targeting the entire television watching world, but there are bound to be certain non-Christians that get them extra bonus points with the big man, you know?

For example: Hookers…I guess they might assume that a hooker wouldn’t be the type to read the bible on a daily basis. In fact she may have never read the bible, making her a non-Christian.

“I don’t understand the big words so I don’t read.”

After a long night of “parting the pink sea” she’s probably gonna crash and watch a little TV. So yeah…a converted hooker would be big “HOLY” points.

Another group of “ass-kissing point magnitude” would probably be transvestites and cross dressers. You can see these non-Christians coming from miles around. They might as well have a sign on their head saying, “I’d never walk into an actual church because I’d be stared at like a two headed Judas.” What better way to reach these poor non-Christians than to broadcast the true message of the Gospel on the boob tube.

“My daddy always told me, “Son,It ain’t nice to gospel bout people.”

Seriously, these poor souls would never feel comfortable at a church service unless,perhaps, it was being held at a WalMart.

Another target group: The hippie-types who don’t seem to have any purpose in life. This group, for the most part, stays out all night playing music, smoking a little weed and then sleeps through most of the day. They live in their parents basement or with a group of 20 friends in a two bedroom house and when they’re not playing XBOX or building pyramids out of empty pizza boxes, they watch TV. A great target group if you ask me…especially if you can get them to watch the praise and worship when they’re high.

“Yeah, I’ll let you save my soul if you give me chocolate. I have the munchies. By the way, my name is Jesus. What’s yours, man?”

Last but not least,they target homosexuals. Many Christians believe homosexuals to be “LOST”.

“My name is Jim. I was lost. Then one day my boyfriend…er…I mean friend helped me to see the error of my ways. We began our husband and wife televangelism ministry to help keep us on the right path.”

OK…so that wraps up the “non-Christian target groups” they are reaching out to,but what about the other people who watch them?

The “Christians”?

These people are the bread and butter of their livelihood. They’re the ones who send in their money, keeping the televangelists in big hair and flashy pants.

“I’ve given away my entire life savings and now I can only afford to eat cat food but mittens here doesn’t mind. God is so good, isn’t he mittens?”

The donors are promised “special God favors” or something like that if they make donations…

“Hey! This isn’t the bus to heaven! They said my contribution would get me on the bus to heaven! This bus is headed to Waco!”

Others are lured into donating with the promise of being healed…

“He’s running a fever and has the flu. Brace yourself for explosive diarrhea.”

I just don’t know about all the “televangelism”. It just seems a little off to me, you know?
I have a hard time believing that God really “spoke” to these people and told them to wear tacky suits, too much make-up and big hair, then go forth and spread his holy word while, all while singing off key and crying too much. Oh yeah, and make sure you do it all on TV.

What REALLY motivated these individuals to become televangelists?

“When I met Pinky here at a Bible Convention in Arkansas,she helped me to experience things I’d never experienced before.I knew it was a sign from the Lord,calling me to preach His holy word. ”

Ummm….ok.What kind of “experiences are we talking about. Yuck…never mind.”

“I had a near death experience when I was a Muslim.There were 21 virgins but they had a “Reserved for Jimmy Swaggart” sign on them. When I woke up from my coma, I began my television ministry. THOSE ARE MY VIRGINS!NOT JIMMY SWAGGARTS!”

Disillusion and jealousy. Oh yeah…and virgins. That seems like pretty good reasons I guess.

“I don’t really need to explain myself. I just need to be ready when the Lord calls me home and make sure I’m dressed in my pimp suit.”

So Swaggart is his real last name, right? How appropriate….

I guess we will never understand the nature of televangelism or why it even exists. But who are we to question God or His reasons for doing anything? 

“Yeah you puny little shits! Who are you to question me? If I happen to get bored with what’s on television and decide to create a few reality shows that revolve around me, who are you to judge?”

And that, my friends, is probably the best explanation we will ever get for  televangelism.

God wanted his own reality shows. Everyone else does, so why not him?
3 Responses leave one →
  1. 2011 June 9
    Phil Jett permalink

    Parting the pink sea. Beautiful.

    If these are the people God wants sitting next to him in heaven, I’ll pass.

  2. 2011 June 9
    Valentin permalink

    The bible said that there will be many people claiming to do his will but beware the false prophets. I understand your feelings about so many of these hypocrites. I do believe in God but I’m not going to preach to you. I’m not perfect.

  3. 2011 June 10

    This was good, very good. I’ve always wondered about the weird hair and dress too. I bet if someone showed up on tee-vee talkin about the gospels, and he didn’t have weird hair and a orange suit on, he’d make billions! That one guy sitting up there next to the pink hair, he likes to wear women’s blouses these days. I’ve seen him several times while channel surfing, wearing those blouses and so forth.

    I have a new thing I’m looking at starting. It’s called:

    I’ll have stories from different people on there, all telling how giving me money changed their lives.

    “I was living in my car with my two daughters. We had $100 left. I went to the library and logged onto Jason’s site, and mailed him my last $100. The next day we were thrown in jail for vagrancy. Woo Hoo! We haven’t eaten and slept this well in months. Thanks Jason!”

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