I’ve Seen a Thing or Two…

My wife’s dog is my best friend. She is happiest when she travels someplace and visits people. She seems to know when a trip is entirely for her benefit. Under these circumstances, I have seen that dog have literal seizures of happiness.

She is most unhappy when she feels as though it’s necessary to protect the people she loves. She is second most unhappy when I stare at an electronic screen of some sort for extended periods. She will put up with it for about eight hours, then she gets pissed.

As I slog my way through Lars von Trier’s 2014 Nymphomaniac films, I am beginning to see why. There are moments of extreme beauty, but they come at a price. More than twice I’ve heard Chief Wiggum yell, “Stop in the name of American squeamishness!!” in my head.

So far I’ve had to watch someone wipe Christian Slater’s ass, look at Shia LaBeouf’s penis, and observe Uma Thurman’s head. So far it’s been worth it, but I am likely to come out of this thing as a different person.

I hope my wife’s dog still loves me.