John-Boy’s Mole Saved My Life!

2009 August 10
by mockers

johnboyTwo years ago I was 400 lbs., unemployed, going through a devastating divorce, and talking in an inexplicable high falsetto.  My life was a complete disaster, and getting worse every day, it seemed.

Then everything changed, because of a wild and fantastic event.

I was in a coffee shop with a newspaper, I remember, hoping to find a lead for a job and enjoying a tray of pastries.  I recall the day very clearly, because two boys, roughly twelve years old, began snickering at my “opera voice,” as they called it.  One of them also holler-whispered, “And get a load of those pants… it’s a whole bolt of fabric.”

At that point I was so beaten-down and depressed, nobody could say anything that was any worse than what I was saying to myself, all hours of the day.  I was a little surprised by the kid’s use of the phrase “bolt of fabric,” it didn’t seem like something a sixth grader would say.  But maybe his family worked in textiles?  I don’t know.

After the little bastards cleared out of there, and I was able to regulate my blood sugar with a double-glazed wagon wheel, I began flipping through the newspaper, expecting exactly nothing.  It was a ritual, often repeated.

But on this day there was an article about the release of a Waltons DVD box set, with an accompanying photograph of Richard Thomas, who played John-Boy on the popular 1970s television series.

I looked at the photo for a few seconds, and found it to be oddly magnetic.  I didn’t know why, but it made me feel at-ease, and (incredibly enough) mildly confident.  “Oh great,” I mumbled, “now I’m going gay, too.  Gay for John-Boy Walton, circa 1974!”

But I tore the picture from the newspaper anyway, and stuffed it into my pocket.  Later in the day I returned to it, and the pleasant feelings immediately came back.  I stared for a long time, not wanting to break the spell, and eventually realized the source of the magic wasn’t John-Boy, really, but the large mole on his left cheek.

It seemed laughably ridiculous, but I started to believe the mole possessed special powers!

I taped the photograph to my bedroom wall, and began every morning by staring at it.  After a while I developed a technique where I could make myself mentally disappear into John-Boy’s mole, and would sometimes experience psychedelic events, not unlike the “Fixing a Hole” segment in Yellow Submarine.

Almost immediately my life began to turn around.  I started eating sensibly, and losing weight.  I gained confidence, and landed a great job making double my previous salary.  My voice lowered to a normal pitch, and I began dating a woman who is, as the kids say, slammin’.

Today I couldn’t be happier.  I’m living the dream!  And I want you to live it, too.  Which is why I’ve decided to share my secrets with a limited number of students…

I’m interested in helping people whose lives have gotten away from them, and feel completely hopeless.  Because I’ve been there, too, and know the way out!

I call it Molenethics, and the program will provide students with priceless methods and techniques for unlocking the enormous power of John-Boy’s mole.  Anybody can stare at it and feel the vibrations (which I recommend), but to fully enjoy the bounty of the mole, a person must possess the key.  And I can provide that key.

In the coming days I’ll provide you with more information about Molenethics, and will soon announce the official launch date of the mentoring program.  I will only be accepting students for five days, or until all the spots are filled.  Believe me, you do not want to miss out on this incredible opportunity.

So, be sure to keep your eye on this space, and together we’ll soon explore the incredible, life-changing power of staring deeply into John-Boy Walton’s mole!

You deserve this.

11 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 August 10

    Don’t need John Boy’s mole to encourage me to loss a few pounds but what works for you, go for it. You deserve this.

  2. 2009 August 10

    Hi great story. But personally, I don’t need this kind of therapy but I’m sure a lot of people do I wish you all the success in the world… Go for it


  3. 2009 August 10
    SeanInSac permalink

    The sad thing is that this would probably work on a lot of people and the “etics” you are talking about probably started off in a very similar way.

  4. 2009 August 10

    I did the same thing staring at Gary Busey’s front teeth.
    It really works!

  5. 2009 August 10

    Why must we wait for the “key”? Some of us are in a desperate situation RIGHT NOW! I’m sitting here whacking off with a Wal-Mart bag taped around my head. I got the idea from the Kung Fu guy, only I couldn’t find any rope. Come on with that key, man!

  6. 2012 March 3
    Trthmstr permalink

    Hilarious, article. I love you, and I love John Boy’s mole. It truly was a period at the end of an era. John Boy’s mole rulrs over the universe with magnificent power and glory. Amen.

  7. 2016 December 6

    I have to say as a child I always thought this guy was cute… but that mole is as distracting as a large chunk of brocoli between the front teeth…

    I’m sure this article and the responses are not serious.. they can’t be.. Anyways.. it’s interesting to me that he never chose to remove it and just embraced it.. there’s my 2 cents. God bless

  8. 2018 April 18
    Josh DuBois permalink

    That mole saved my life and after he removed it, I had to file bankruptcy.

  9. 2020 March 7
    SE7EN permalink

    While filming The Waltons they entire cast would suckle from his mole daily in order to consume its life giving Mole Milk . It’s said that it was the cause of Grandma Walton’s extraordinarily small head ..that in fact she had sucked her head small . John Walmsley who played Jim Bob would also partake in the almost ritual like milking and he and Grandpa Walton would usually end up in a fist a cuffs to see who would chew the nutrient rich but very course Mole Hair .
    “It really is what kept the show going so long ” explained the actor that played the father . “Sometimes filming would be shutdown just to drink from his wonderful mole .It wasn’t all moles and roses though .. The actress that played the mother (Michael Learned) almost left the seresbecause of this . She described how the cast would greedily suck his mole dry ..every last drop . It cause her extreme anxiety in which she sued CBS for mental anguish for an undisclosed amount . She later wrote in her autobiography The Waltons Life On Mole Mountain that it was how she first learned that Will Geer (Grandpa) was a swinging bisexual .. She over heard he and Thomas discussing it over a warm glass of the mole elixir ..
    You can still purchase the original Mole Milk from John Boys website although it now likely has several carcinogens attached.

  10. 2020 August 8

    I have already unlocked the power of molenetics using Fred Savages faux mole from Austin Powers.

  11. 2020 November 5
    Amber permalink

    I always return to this when I feel ill or want to tell the story of the sacred mole to family or friends who feel ill. It is truly a godsend. Thank you for this. I’m forever grateful.

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