Lakr Wednesday: Pooper Stadium
2011 May 12
We are aware it is not Wednesday…but Lakr’s day is Wednesday and he didn’t sent it until last night. You can’t tame Lakr, baby. Don’t even try. He plays by his own rules.
I’m a big fan of the “ball park experience.” In the baseball sort of way. Opening Day, San Francisco 1993, I was fortunate (and stoned enough) to see Barry Bonds’ first home run as a SF Giant. (Horray pre-steroids!!) Nothing like a good old trip to the Grand Old Game.
Fast forward…when I lived in Columbus Ohio, the Columbus Clippers were the farm team for the Yankees. and I got some tickets through chance, so we decided to check it out. Cooper Stadium. Upon arrival, we (myself, the Ex, and 5 year old Max) had choice seats over the 3rd base line. Upon being there, I purchased the biggest beer available, as is the custom…to watch the game. But Max had other plans. As soon as we nested ourselves at a cherry spot over the 3rd base line, he announced that he “had to go to the bathroom.” My chill spot was delayed. During the walk to the Men’s room, he confirmed that it was a NUMBER TWO…repeat NUMBER TWO!!
So, I made a paper mache surface of the horrible public toilet shitter. My child would not get hepatitis on my watch. I hoisted the boy onto my creation..and he just sat there. He wasn’t even trying to push out a loaf. Just sitting, listless, after all I had done for him…so ungrateful. I then decided that this was a ruse on his part just to make our baseball trip exotic. I told him to ‘button up’ in a scolding manner, and we found our way back over back to our 3rd base seats. There was no one behind us, so Max entertained himself by putting the rows of upright seats down, and vice versa. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. So it goes…
Eventually, the slamming of seats went away. The Missus’ ‘Spidey Senses’ activated and asked “where is Max??” I looked back…no Max. But the adolescent girls from the adjacent section of seats were focusing on the base of the I-beam support that provided shade for our section. The beam being roughly 14″ wide, I looked there and saw Max’s tiny head poking out, and he quickly retreated.
As a parent, I had to see what was up. When I got to the top of the stairs, Max was doing the pulling up pants/buttoning thing from the the I-beam. WTF???
I was not patient enough earlier… Max had laid a textbook HUGE turd in the recess of the I-beam. it was a beautiful steamer…kind of glorious in its own way. Awesome. I found a vacated nacho boat, and scooped up this marvel of nature. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time, but upon relating the story to the clerk at the local carry-out when we got home, I was chastised for not leaving a huge turd for some sap to discover. Max got free candy for a week for his efforts.
Pooper Stadium.
Awesome.
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What a great kid.
LF on Thursday is like breakfast for dinner. You will shit yourself at some point.