metten’s Blogging Again…

“Son, stop beating your mother with the American flag!!”

“I wasn’t hitting her with the flag part! I was hitting her with the stick part!”

“Okay, you can stay in the country, but you’re still in trouble.”

“Oh, okay.” – An argument I had with my son earlier today.

I was watching my kids watch Disney’s Peter Pan last night and was wishing that they hadn’t put all of that Indian stuff in the film when, from the corner of my eye, I saw something shoot across the hallway right outside of the door. It was one of those deals where your subconscious was positive that it saw something, but your brain was trying to convince it otherwise. Then I saw it again and my brain knew that the argument was over – there was something with wings in the house. I stuck my head out the door long enough to try and figure out what it was.

I can’t find it, but back in the early days of this site, you might remember my battle against the bird that was stuck in the fireplace…I handled that one all wrong and it was a full day of me being an idiot. I was no longer scared because the fireplace incident had completely desensitized me…I was a gristled and battle-hardened soldier and I wasn’t taking any shit this time…except this time it was a fuckin’ bat. I was creeped out all over again. The best solution that I could think of for a while was to close the freakin’ door and to hang out while my kids listened to a terribly racist song that I think was titled, “What Makes the Red Man Red?” I wish somebody would take charge and stop them from watching shit like that…no, actually, no I don’t. I want them to be exposed to these things and educate them as it’s happening because banning shit has never worked.

So I finally worked up the courage to peek my head out the door and see that the bat was taking a break. I took the opportunity to run out there like a frightened little girl and throw the balcony door open in the hope that he would fly out. After the movie was over, I picked up the girl and headed for the door to take her to bed. I wished for a hand mirror so that I could check the hallway without exposing my eyeballs to liability. The bat was nowhere to be seen, so I gingerly put her to bed. A few minutes later, her older brother was also in a bat-free bed. I figured the thing must’ve flown out the door after all. I went downstairs and started looking at pictures and goofy videos on the internet and checking various in-boxes. Shortly after that, I saw a shadow in my peripheral. Then it went away. Then it came back. Then it went away. I was hiding behind my typing pillow (yeah, I have a typing pillow, what of it?) when I finally got the courage to look at it. He knew exactly where I was and was intentionally turning around before I got too freaked out. Aside from the fact that I felt radar-violated, it was kind of cool.

He was all like, “Man, I’m sorry to bug you while you’re layin’ there in your drawers with all them holes in ’em, lookin’ at pictures of people with their clothes off, but I’m stuck in this freakin’ house and I can’t find the goddamn door. Can I get a little help?” Bats are actually pretty cool. He was flying all over the house and I couldn’t hear a sound…he was all stealth and shit. So anyway, I waited until he was in the living room and then I threw the front door open and waddled back to the computer and hoped for the best. As is often the case, I fell asleep with my hands on the keyboard and woke up in the middle of the night. My bat buddy seemed to have taken off as I slept. I’ll know for sure when my wife wakes me up screaming bloody murder tonight…