Militant Vegetarians

2009 April 10
by mockers

Okay, here’s the deal, I’m only going to say this once so you know where I’m coming from…this site exists so that the authors can make fun of things and the people behind those things.  It also exists so that we can laugh at you, the reader, when we finally get around to mocking something you hold dear.  At times there’s a fine line between mocking and politicking.  I try to avoid the latter because if I tell you what I believe in I will undoubtedly be forced to sit there and listen to all the crap you believe in.  If I ever actually go into politics I plan on just making speeches about my beliefs and then giving everyone titty twisters and running away before they can retort.  Until then, my dream scenario when it comes to politics is: I’ll shut up if you shut up.  Every once in a while we’ll vote about stuff and go from there.  But since you won’t shut up, let me tell you something: 

The person that has devoted their entire existence to one or two causes and cannot shut up about it deserves to be mocked in a special way…like with kicks to the reproductive organs.  You know who I’m talking about – the guy that manages to work the fact that he doesn’t own a television into at least one conversation per day.  Or the lesbian in the Purchasing Department that you don’t know anything about because she only talks about the one aspect of her life that is obvious based on her appearance.   I want to mock them all…and I very well might, beginning with the militant vegetarians.


Dude, I can't believe that I got random hippie, militant vegetarian, guy who doesn't own tv and don't-you-get-it-I'm-gay to pose in the same picture

I remember being mocked unmercifully by about a half-dozen hippies at a party once because of my stance on vegetarianism.  I know that there’s no way that I was the first person to ever think of the issue from this point of view – but I thought it up while drinking by myself in the basement one night and I could tell that the hippies had never heard such a thing before. 

Man, those hippies were pissed.  Normally I love hippies and we get along great.  Unfortunately, the subject of vegetarianism is a whole different thing between us.  Just listening to my ideas on the subject was enough to provoke the wrathiest of hippie wrath, which is rather wrathy indeed…plus it smells like B.O. and patchouli.

My belief on the subject of vegetarianism boils down to this: Unless you can shove your feet in the dirt and create your own energy through photosynthesis, the human race must take energy from another living thing to sustain life.  Kind of like vampires with blood…except we’re talking about that lettuce wrap over at Chili’s.


Avenging his buddy corn

Plants have feelings; they’ll grow toward the light if you move them away from it.  Some plants eat animals.  In short, they are alive. Even if you’re one of those level 7 vegans that will only eat something that a plant can ‘easily’ reproduce (like apples and such) – you are still harming a living thing.  I personally only eat the extremeties of living animals.  I’ll rip the wing off a chicken, you know, so it can go on living. I got mocked to no end that night…only to hear this same theory bandied about all the time today.  Fortunately for me, I own a 50% share in a website designed just for exacting my revenge.

13 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 April 10
    Stephanie permalink

    I USED to be a vegetarian, back when I lived in NY and it was “easy”. Then, I moved to the Midwest where no one was putting up with that crap, and I almost starved to death. Back in NY, I would just tell people that I didn’t eat anything that used to have parents…except for my husband, of course.


  2. 2009 April 10

    Being a vegetarian is one thing, but lets take the cases of the 2 surviving Beatles. Ringo is a vegetarian because of intestinal distress, Paul on the other hand is one because he bought into Linda’s BS. Poor Paul, always getting duped by women. What the hell was I talking about?

  3. 2009 April 10

    Mmmmm…meat *drool*

    I’m getting ready to go to lunch, to the best soul food place in Phoenix (Mrs. White’s Golden Rule Cafe) to have the best damn fried chicken EVER!

    And for Easter dinner? T-bone steaks. Thanks, mom!

  4. 2009 April 10
    Carla permalink

    This Easter the family and I will be praying to the BBQ gods while ingesting the moist deliciousness of shredded pork shoulder, more commonly known as pulled pork. I refuse to feel guilty for eating something that, if it was faster, smarter, and able to perform higher brain functionings, would eat me instead. Look at it like this, the animals we are obviously not supposed to eat have a defense mechanism, like the skunks, so no one eats those. Simple. So at least we are selective. I hate to think of the poor pig that dedicated his life to being butchered for our benefit, so I don’t. I justify ever bite by saying that I need to help make up for the surplus that has been left over by non-meat eaters. We really don’t want for all those animals to have died in vain do we?

  5. 2009 April 10

    Former vegetarian here, who can see merit in the choice but missed char-grilled burgers far too much to maintain what is, I still believe, a more healthy way to eat. Those folks who are militant about their vegetarianism are….scary. Much preferable are those people who choose, do, and don’t make a huge stinkin’ mess of trouble about it for themselves or anyone else.

    20 years ago though, I would have been all up in your face about your filthy meat-eating ways. God it’s good to be old.

  6. 2009 April 10

    As a lover of all things animal related, and a HUGE meat eater… I worked at a Steakhouse for a number of years. Nothing irritates me more than hillbillies that order a well done steak and ask for ketchup! Order the chop steak if you do not appreciate the flavor of a good cut of meat. Makes me want to stab them in the eye with a fork!

  7. 2009 April 11
    DTO permalink

    Old joke…Vegetarian is a Native American word that means…”Man who can’t hunt.” >———->

  8. 2009 April 12

    Vegetables are the plants that food eats.

  9. 2009 April 13
    Ted permalink

    If god hadn’t intended for us to eat animals, he wouldn’t have made them out of meat.

    I love vegetarians.
    They’re all I eat.

  10. 2009 April 13
    strangeart1 permalink

    I love animals. They are delicious.

  11. 2009 April 15

    I’m a current vegetarian (20+ years), but am not militant. I don’t care what you eat. I just care what I eat. I go out to dinner with meat-eaters and they apologise to me when they want to order meat and I always tell them to go ahead, it doesn’t bother me. Honestly.

    I hate militant anti-vegetarians who get in my face and tell me to eat meat or some other animal-based product. I don’t force my beliefs on them, so why do they feel the need to force theirs on me?

  12. 2009 May 28
    Tim permalink

    I am a member of PETA (People Eating Tasty Animals)I get really miffed at that other so called peta group that is trying to steal my groups name!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

  13. 2013 November 23
    CodeMonkey permalink

    I’m a vegetarian but I don’t believe avoiding meat makes me healthier. You can’t argue with Evolution.

    Just one tip for my meat-eating friends. Avoid processed meat, yuck that sh*t is nasty. Unless you like ammonia in your diet…

Leave a Reply

Note: You can use basic XHTML in your comments. Your email address will never be published.

Subscribe to this comment feed via RSS