Mockable Monday Review: Yet Another Superbowl

This special Monday installment of our guest mock series is being handled by our pal Gino.  I have always kind of hoped that we would start getting more funny reviews around here.    It would be sweet if like-minded people from the Surf Report village would write about the stuff they like and made Jeff post it on Suggestaholic…while mocking the shit out of stuff they hate so I can post it here.  Regardless, Gino’s review is timely and funny…and we need more of that around here.  On with the mockin’:

Aw crap, they did it again. It seems like every year, the people in charge of the Superbowl Half-Time Show manage to out-do themselves when it comes to musical futility. At this point, why even bother? It’s almost as if the promoters skip the meetings altogether and just throw darts at some Post-Its stuck to a corkboard. I can’t imagine the kind of intellectual clusterfuck that takes place in the months leading up to the event itself. Hell, for all I know, the executives in charge just spin a big wheel.

“Hey guys, I have a great idea! Let’s take Justin Bieber and pair him up with the Wu-Tang Clan. Then, we re-animate the corpse of John Lennon and have him play “The Wheels on the Bus” while Lady Gaga punches a harp seal.”

That brings me to this year’s tryst with confusion.

Normally, The Black Eyed Peas are tolerable. I can handle them while trapped in an elevator or hanging out at Monro Muffler, two venues that are tough to enjoy music in. So, when I heard that they would be playing for 15 minutes, I wasn’t that upset. Plus, I figured that the chances of a “wardrobe malfunction” were much higher for Fergie than they would be for Paul McCartney.

That brings me to another problem I have with America’s Utmost Intermission. After Janet Jackson performed as part of the greatest half-time show in the history of the Superbowl, the next six years featured performers who clearly just had some free time and wanted to stop by. Tom Petty? The Who? Didn’t Prince get a hip replacement not too long ago? These people should not be performing, but rather ordering from the “Senior Menu” at Denny’s. No offense to them, they’re all fantastic performers and are musical beasts, but the median age for singers during those years had to make them prime candidates for the LifeAlert system. But I digress… back to the Black Eyed Peas.

I figured they would be a good choice for the show this year, since they were young, relevant, and wouldn’t fall asleep during the performance. However, I didn’t realize until it began how wrong I was.

Blazing lights, whirling dervishes and some of the worst live singing I’ve ever heard filled my life as I stared, frightened, at the television screen. Each song hit my ears with a dull thud. Luckily, the microphones cut out at least five times. And what the hell was up with the lights? Every person who was high on ‘shrooms should get a medal for surviving the incident without huddling up in the corner, crying and babbling about how the non-gender specific light creatures were trying to steal their souls. I would much rather have to deal with Prince’s 2007 “guitar phallus shadow show” behind the curtain than have to coax my roommate out of another bad trip.

But it’s not even that the music and light selections were confusing and scary. It’s that there’s no thought whatsoever put into the song choices and who is actually singing them. This year, Fergie of The Black Eyed Peas tried her hardest to make Slash, of Guns N’ Roses fame, uncomfortable while playing his own music, but why?

First of all, they kept him tucked away under the stage for the first five minutes, which, by itself, is an egregious transgression. Then, when they have him transported to the surface to dazzle us with his talent, Fergie goes over and grinds him like a stripper pole. Worse yet, at the same time, she’s ruining “Sweet Child O’ Mine!” I guess it goes without saying, Fergie, that you are no Axl Rose.

Oh yeah, and Usher was pretty solid. Good job, man.

Overall, it was better than the past three performances, but still not what I expected. Eventually, according to my friend Bill, someone will realize what those of us watching the Superbowl want to see during our time off from drinking heavily; “more of that E-Trade Baby, ’cause, dude, that shit cracks me up!”

If you’d like to contribute a Friday Guest Mock please send it to mockable[at]gmail.com  If it’s funny and won’t get us sued, we’ll most likely feature it at the site.  And don’t forget to include the address to your blog or website, so we can link back at ya.  Thanks!