Mockable’s New 21-Century, Brick-and-Mortar Movie Rental Hut

We’ve all been there a million times. You’re sitting in your living room in the dark. You’ve got your popcorn in your left hand, and your penis in your right. You are masturbating furiously to Edward Norton’s performance in 1998’s “American History X”. You’re so into it, you forget to check the front door cameras for a full 15 seconds.

You had it all timed perfectly so that you could climax while Ed curb-stomped that one dude. It was going to be so perfect. Instead, a metal battering ram blasted through all six deadbolts, splinters went everywhere, and the door flew off the frame. That dirtbag Biden’s federal agents are on top of you before you can put down your literal manhood and grab the Glock version of your manhood. This would have never happened if you’d rented the movie from Mockable’s new 21-Century, Brick-and-Mortar Movie Rental Hut.

Sure, you have three firewalls and a double VPN protecting your network. To the average dude, it looked like you were streaming your favorite movie from Laos. Sadly, the liberals have more than just the average dude on their payroll. Some commie from the liberal college system clearly hacked into your system and saw everything you were up to. Hell, they probably knew the perfect moment to bash in the door. Next time, keep those liberal bastards out by using Mockable’s new 21-Century, Brick-and-Mortar Movie Rental Hut.

At Mockable’s new 21-Century, Brick-and-Mortar Movie Rental Hut, we rent untraceable old-school DVDs and VHS cassettes to folks for all sorts of reasons that we don’t care to know. We also rent DVD players and VCRs for the patriot that was dragged against his will into the year 2008. We only keep records of who has rented what for as long as the movie is out, then the records are shredded like an illegal immigrant’s fake work documents right before we send them back over the wall to Mexico!

Miss the days when you celebrated finishing a great movie by listening to the high-speed rewind function of the VCR? Mockable’s new 21-Century, Brick-and-Mortar Movie Rental Hut has you covered. Sometimes we’ll rent you a movie that hasn’t been rewound just so that you can rewind it twice for nostalgia’s sake!

Do you miss opening the DVD player, gingerly taking the DVD out with the sides of your fingers, blowing on the disc, and then closing it back into the machine again, praying that the machine can read it this time? Mockable’s new 21-Century, Brick-and-Mortar Movie Rental Hut has an in-store display where you can do this just for fun! Come on in and show your commie grandkids how it was done back in your day! Rest assured, when you’re blowing on a disc, there will be no masks allowed, because we here at Mockable’s new 21-Century, Brick-and-Mortar Movie Rental Hut know that if God had intended for you to wear a mask while you blow on late 20^th-century technology in a public place, you would have been born with one on!

Tired of liberal Hollywood shoving their homosexual propaganda down your throat? Mockable’s new 21-Century, Brick-and-Mortar Movie Rental Hut has 114 copies of John Wayne drunkenly beating the shit out of a little person for 90 minutes…for no apparent reason! We have endless copies of some film where Ronald Reagan has to get rough with a female underling…take that commies! In fact, if you find yourself under federal arrest as a result of something you rented at Mockable’s new 21-Century, Brick-and-Mortar Movie Rental Hut, your next rental is on us! That’s the Mockable’s new 21-Century, Brick-and-Mortar Movie Rental Hut guarantee!