Mockers for Hire: The Alan Langley Edition

Mockers for Hire is a professional mocking service provided by mockable.org.  Just paypal us $49.95, give us a mailing address and a description of the person you want mocked and we’ll mock the living shit out of them. (400 word minimum)   We might even berate and verbally abuse them for no additional charge.  What can we say…we love our job. We’ll also provide you a framed print of the mock to leave on their desk while they’re at break.  It beats the hell out of that pathetic, passive-aggressive piece-of-shit note you were going to leave on their chair.   Seriously…college ruled?  The Dollar Store frame and HP color graphics will really show that you care – and the professional mocking will prove to that sexual harrassing sonofabitch that you mean business.  Mockers for Hire – giving people  shit who may or may not deserve it since 2009…Give us a try!

Congratulations Alan Langley of Muskogee, OK!  You’re today’s winner!  You’re an annoying, perpetually confused fucktard who is completely and totally mockable.  Please, sit back and enjoy!

Okay first, foremost and of greatest importance – WASH YOUR BALLS! I’m a little embarrassed to even type this, Alan, but you walk around the office all day smelling like balls.  I don’t know what you do to your balls to make them so pungent, but there’s just no denying it.  Remember Scot the temp from last week?  I asked him to take a file to your desk and he said, “Which one’s Alan?”  I responded, “The confused old man who smells like balls.”  Guess what Alan?  He walked a straight line to your desk without asking another question.

Alan, it’s 2009.  I can’t believe I have to tell you to stop sending all those goddamned forwards.  No one (outside this office anyway) has any plans to throw gasoline-soaked rags-of-fire into your car while you sit at a stoplight and masturbate to Art Bell. No one wants to hear about the time God himself came down from the heavens and pulled little Johnny out of the well or whatever.  And nobody gives two fucks about your politics Alan.  Do you honestly believe that someone is going to run home one night and tell their spouse that they have altered their entire belief structure based on the ramblings of a confused, ball-smelling old man who forwarded them a latently rascist email? 

For those of you reading at home, here’s a sample of Alan’s handiwork:

In honor of the 44th President of the United States, Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: ” Barocky Road.”  Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow. The cost is $100.00 per scoop. When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but then the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you.  You are left with an empty wallet and no change, holding an empty cone with no hope of getting any ice cream. Are you stimulated?

 Listen Alan, don’t get me wrong here – we’re the website that happily posted this little piece. But as a political message and call to action, your latest email is about as functional as my nipples.  As a humor piece, it’s tired and hackneyed at best.  It doesn’t even contain any real criticism of the guy – just a bunch of standard “democrats-are-spend-crazy-Nazis” stuff and your dumb ass wishing our President would make more references to his half-whitedness. 

The point here, Alan, is that people who are in the market for emails that they can send to everyone in their goddamned address book whether they like it or not should be set on fire…and judging  by the frequency and content of your forwards, you’re standing in a lake of gasoline, my ball-smelling friend.

Finally, we need you to create a new social group.  You can call it, “motherfuckers-who-drive-around-all-day-taking-inventory-of-local-gas-prices-and-then-run-into-the-office-yelling-‘You’d-better-get-over-to-the-Shell-Station!-Everyone-else-has-gone-up-a-penny-but-they-haven’t-changed-yet!'” That way you guys can go find a room somewhere to talk about it and stop bothering the rest of us.

My car has a 22 gallon tank, Alan..that’s twenty-two cents.  Why are you fucking giving me tips on how to save twenty-two cents?  Do you intend to enlighten me to the world of “coupons” after lunch? Do you also plan to extol the virtues of “clearance events” in the parking lot after work?  Besides, if I did give a shit about the price of gas, there are 9 different websites and an app on my phone that could give me the answer without filling my office with the smell of vinegar, old cheese and whatever that shit is in your beard.