Mockers for Hire – The Alexis Green Edition

Mockers for Hire is a professional mocking service provided by mockable.org.  Just paypal us $49.95, give us a mailing address and a description of the person you want mocked and we’ll mock the living shit out of them. (400 word minimum)   We might even berate and verbally abuse them for no additional charge.  What can we say…we love our job. We’ll also provide you a framed print of the mock to leave on their desk while they’re at break.  It beats the hell out of that pathetic, passive-aggressive piece-of-shit note you were going to leave on their chair.   Seriously…college ruled?  The Dollar Store frame and HP color graphics will really show that you care – and the professional mocking will prove to that sexual harrassing sonofabitch that you mean business.  Mockers for Hire – giving people  shit who may or may not deserve it since 2009…Give us a try!

Good morning, Alexis Green of Fishkill, NY – Please have a seat…we have a few things we need to discuss.

Please listen carefully.  Wayne Newton is the greatest songwriter of all time.  It is hereby conceded.  Wayne fucking Newton is great.  Further, we understand what a wonderful time you had in Las Vegas recently.  We are fondly picturing you in our mind’s eye as you listen to Mr. Newton eek out a set while attempting not to vomit on you and the other pathetic middle-aged housewives who happened to be jerking arythmically to the music as only suburban white people can.  I trust that this is the last time we will need to discuss this issue.

We would also like to take an opportunity to respectfully request that you run any new slang past your grandchildren before you attempt to use it around the office.  Just because you thought you heard it on Dancing with America’s Biggest Losers or whatever stupid reality show you watch when you go home to your sad little existence doesn’t mean that you have a green light to run around telling people to “Get on, girl!”  We’re not necessarily the epitome of hip either, but we’re pretty sure that such a phrase is only useful only at the pony ranch and certain circles of the porn industry.  You know what – do us a favor and don’t use any new words…you’re an embarrassment to old people.

We are terribly sorry that he divorced you for being 1) annoying and 2) old.  No one should have to endure the pain of being cast aside for a much younger woman who doesn’t scrunch her face up like a catcher’s mitt every time she’s hit with a ray of sun.  We also understand that it is somewhat natural for a woman to use such an event to revisit and perhaps recapture her youth.  We saw Thelma and Louise (because some girl made us) and we get what’s going on here.  We were just kind of hoping that you could engage in these activites…you know…away from the office and…maybe…on your own time.  To put it bluntly – when you wear that tank top thing, we can see the tops of your breasts.  They look…well…Have you ever taken a load of old towels out of the dryer and then crammed them into a basket and then accidentally left the basket unattended for a few days?  They look like that – kind of off-white, really wrinkly and sort of jammed into inappropriate places. 

We had hoped to cover a few other topics like your son’s alcoholism, our official refusal to call you “Alex” and the notion that women should, in fact, wear deodorant.  Unfortunately, we spent the last 20 minutes staring at the red highlights you recently added to your already mockable hairstyle and we just feel too bad to continue.  So sad…so pathetic.  How did Thelma and Louise end again?