Mockers for Hire: The Alan P. Langley/Bennigan’s Nazi Edition

2009 June 24
by mockers

Mockers for Hire is a professional mocking service provided by  Just paypal us $49.95, give us a mailing address and a description of the person you want mocked and we’ll mock the living shit out of them. (400 word minimum)   We might even berate and verbally abuse them for no additional charge.  What can we say…we love our job. We’ll also provide you a framed print of the mock to leave on their desk while they’re at break.  It beats the hell out of that pathetic, passive-aggressive piece-of-shit note you were going to leave on their chair.   Seriously…college ruled?  The Dollar Store frame and HP color graphics will really show that you care – and the professional mocking will prove to that sexual harrassing sonofabitch that you mean business.  Mockers for Hire – giving people  shit who may or may not deserve it since 2009…Give us a try!Alanscreengrab

We don’t censor.  If you’re not a spammer and you have something to say that’s protected by the U.S. Constitution, you can rest assured that you’ll be able to say it here at Mockable.  Don’t agree with us?  We’ll post it!  Think we’re not funny? Posted!  Want to flirt with some random girl in Alabama?  Goddamn we wish you would just take it to a friggin’ chat room or maybe exchange phone numbers or something, but if you really want to do it here, then fine!  We’ll post it…just be prepared to get called annoying.  You know, if anyone ever commented…

Another thing we don’t generally do is argue over the internet (something about racing and the Special Olympics).  I don’t think that I’ve ever persuaded someone to subscribe to my point of view because of something I said in some forum – and if I did, I’m not sure I’d want such an easily influenced person on my team.

Finally, I do not usually respond to assholes that heckle me.  It’s always some pathetic piece of shit doing anything they can to get a little bit of attention…anything other than create something worthwhile of their own, that is.  They’re annoying, they get in the way and they detract from the show.  On stage, it’s best to just have them tossed out.  On the internet, it’s best to just let ’em go on forever, ’cause who cares?  Just don’t read the comment.

All the rules for dealing with nuisances in the comments section go out the window, however, when somebody pays you $49.95 to “mock the living shit out of that motherfucker who’s stupid comments are ruining mockable.  It’d be one thing if they were even remotely funny but the guy’s just a douche.” See, normally I’d never do this sort of thing.  Normally the little “abandoned puppyesque” cries for attention make me so sad that I want to help rather than mock.  Unfortunately for you Bennigan’s Nazi, I have kids to feed.  Kids that my wife and I made through sexual intercourse.  And yes the paternity test came back and yes, they are my kids…you insipid fuck.

As far as I can tell, Bennigan’s Nazi is a 26 year-old manbaby from West Virginia who has never accomplished a single noteworthy thing in his  entire life.  The loser ended up working at fucking Bennigan’s for God’s sake.  How bad is Bennigan’s?  If you google the following: [bennigan’s review awful vomit] – you get 800 results.  Searching: [“Bennigan’s” “Never Again”] returns 863 results.  This is the picture that you want us to conjure up when we think of you?  Vomit-inducing Irish food  that’s been nonchalantly tossed onto our table by an angry, morbidly obese woman with a nose ring?

Seriously, the only way your name could be any stupider is if you associated yourself with that National Socialist German Worker’s Party.  Oh wait, you did do that.  You took name of the shittiest restaurant in America and paired it with the most despicable group of human beings in the history of the world…and decided to make that your name.  No wonder you’re pretending to be Alan Langley.  A confused old man in Oklahoma who smells like balls has to be exponentially more attractive than reality in your sad little world.  At least you’re clever right?

Oh wait, you’re the guy that called me “muffin”.  Dear God no!  I’d hate for people to mistake me for a breakfast food!  Oh the fucking shame!  Seriously, did your grandmother help you out with that?  I can tell she came up with “Jay Gay” because that phrase carries the unmistakable odor of granny’s underpants.  I know what her underpants smell like because I have sex with her all the time!  Woo-hoo!  See what I did there?  I claimed to have sex with somebody you love…oh what a fantabulous lark!  And it’s only the 101st time that joke’s ever been told.  Of course the 100 other tellings came from you in response to someone suggesting that you shut the fuck up.  As far as I can tell, it’s the only comeback you know.

If you were five, I would suggest that you seek “good attention” rather than “bad attention”.  Then I’d spank you like the little hackneyed bitch that you are. Why are you doing this anyway?  What’s wrong with your life that you need to come to my website and jump up and down like a little retarded monkey trying to get somebody to notice you?  Little Susie wouldn’t go with you to the prom?  Perhaps Daddy drank?  Maybe  the Mathletes kicked you out because you’re socially awkward and barely smart enough to prepare a Turkey O’Toole (I’m not kidding, Bennigan’s trademarked that name).  Or are your heartbreaking cries for attention due to being booed off the stage at the open mic where you tried to share your extensive collection of “I fucked your wife” jokes?

Either way, seriously- fucking quit it dude.  Otherwise I’ll tell everybody what I found out when I researched your IP address.  Right now all people know about you is that you’re a pathetic little bitch that works in food service and enjoys stalking me while impersonating a confused old man with a ball odor problem.  It’s sad to know that there’s additional information out there that might actually cause people to think worse of you.

21 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 June 24
    Knucklehead permalink

    Awesome. If I wasn’t unemployed, I would have ponied up the $50 weeks ago.
    Thanks, Metten!

  2. 2009 June 24
    WVULauren permalink

    How much do we need to pool for that “additional information”?

  3. 2009 June 24

    Talk about a virtual bitch slap!

  4. 2009 June 24
    Melissa permalink

    Damn, Metten, I knew you’d come up with something, but this is great! I have a feeling we will find Alan Langley/Bennigan’s Nazi rocking in a corner today, holding his CareBear blanky and trying desperately to delete the kiddy porn…..

  5. 2009 June 24
    Trisha aka Mrs. Wally permalink

    I am with WVULauren- How much will it take. We want the dirt! Well done, Sir!

  6. 2009 June 24
    Carla permalink

    Thank You for calling this “guy” out! We are all here to read something funny, laugh to ourselves and then respond as wittily as we are able. This guy is a tool. The guy who has nothing to say and all kinds of time in which to say it. I applaude you for turning the table on him. Even the internet is not annonymous anymore. Now he has been warned, if he is smart he’ll read along with his hole shut and let it go, if not spill all of his secrets. WHat’s gonna happen???

    The suspense is going to kill me!

  7. 2009 June 24
    Funky permalink

    You sir are my hero!

    “…to come to my website and jump up and down like a little retarded monkey trying to get somebody to notice you?”

    Now I need to go find something to wipe the water off my monitor.

  8. 2009 June 24
    josh poole permalink

    you, sir, and your site repeatedly make my day. kudos!

  9. 2009 June 24
    Alan Langley / Bennigan's Nazi permalink

    Didn’t know it was a problem – happy to stop, say no more. I actually enjoy reading the site and enjoy the idea of a site dedicated to poking fun at things. I obviously misunderstood where the line was and have crossed it. My sincere apologies.

  10. 2009 June 24
    mockers permalink

    No worries, man. Hatchet officially buried.

  11. 2009 June 24
    Funky permalink

    Well that was kinda anticlimactic now wasn’t it?

  12. 2009 June 24

    Well isn’t that special?

  13. 2009 June 24
    Limey permalink

    Letdown much?

    You pair of homos should get a room. And invite Jeff’s Dad to join you.

  14. 2009 June 24
    metten permalink

    Okay, fine…I’m a homo…just don’t heckle me for the next two…wait Jeff’s dad?!?

  15. 2009 June 24
    Limey permalink

    Yeah, I thought I remembered a WVSR about Jeff’s Dad getting real men in to cut his grass for him? Perhaps I’m mistaken.

  16. 2009 June 24
    metten permalink

    If I remember correctly, Jeff hired people to come and mow his lawn and made us promise not to tell his dad.

  17. 2009 June 24
    Limey permalink

    Oh my! What a mistake to have innocently made. Perhaps Jeff’s Dad should be left out of your threesome.

  18. 2009 June 24
    mockers permalink

    No big deal…I know this guy from high school that would probably do it…

  19. 2009 June 24
    SeanInSac permalink

    You know Alan Langley/Bennigan’s Nazi’s antics would not have been so bad if they were actually funny. The problem was they were just annoying. When someone is really funny they can get away with it, my brother just lights into me whenever I go home to So Cal but it’s so hilarious I’m laughing to hard to get mad. That was Bennigans problem he tried to hard and just came off like a douche bag.

  20. 2009 June 24
    Cosgrove permalink

    haha, that’s awesome. I never read the comments before, and I really wish now I had. You kick ass.

  21. 2009 June 25
    DTO permalink

    WOW…!! Ostracized by a bunch of wackos……Well done!

    I really don’t care for low brow humor…but I do tolerate it…BUT…

    “I don’t like rude behavior in a man…and I won’t tolerate it.”……Woodrow Call

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