Mockers for Hire – The Brad Reynolds Edition

Mockers for Hire is a professional mocking service provided by mockable.org.  Just paypal us $49.95, give us a mailing address and a description of the person you want mocked and we’ll mock the living shit out of them. (400 word minimum)   We might even berate and verbally abuse them for no additional charge.  What can we say…we love our job. We’ll also provide you a framed print of the mock to leave on their desk while they’re at break.  It beats the hell out of that pathetic, passive-aggressive piece-of-shit note you were going to leave on their chair.   Seriously…college ruled?  The Dollar Store frame and HP color graphics will really show that you care – and the professional mocking will prove to that sexual harrassing sonofabitch that you mean business.  Mockers for Hire – giving people  shit who may or may not deserve it since 2009…Give us a try!

Hey Brad Reynolds! Yeah you, Brad Reynolds of Royse City, TX.  You’re up…dick. 

Let’s start from the top -You look like the gay Danny Masterson on steroids.  Your hair appears as though an Irish Water Spaniel fucked a mop and it released an especially ugly birth onto your head.  The glasses help to quickly identify you as the type of pervert that spends as much time as possible looking down Natalie in finance’s shirt. And your head is fucking square.  I mean so square that it’s almost one dimensional.  It looks like someone drew a square, put a smug fucking look on its face, inserted Richard Simmons’ hair plugs and made it constantly talk about mixed martial arts. 

Speaking of mixed martial arts, Brad, what part is your favorite?  The strategy?  The skill and dedication required to be successful at the sport?  Or is it the part where two shirtless guys lay on the floor…one on top of the other…sweating and passionately swinging their arms while a crowd of drunken rednecks scream and cheer themselves into a homoerotic frenzy?  Yeah, I was pretty sure it was that last one.

…And yes, you cocky sack of crap – we know you lift weights.  Good for you, you should be proud…now shut up.  Oh, and could you do us a favor?  Could you spend the morning outside? Do you honestly believe that nobody knows that you’re the one releasing SBD’s all over the place after eating 14 egg whites before lifting in the morning?  You’re a big, cocky, smelly, square-headed douche Brad.  Oh, and by the way, your new wife is hot…but she’s stupid…and she’s not getting any younger.

Oh, and when you talk to people, for the love of God  – stop going uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh in the middle of people’s sentences like some sort of crazed stuttering mental patient.  Wait until they are done talking or at least until there is an appropriate pause in their speech.  Just saying uh-huh over and over again like an over-muscled chimpanzee on crack is really, really annoying. 

Finally Brad, the only thing you should ever say to a woman who is pregnant or has recently given birth is ‘congratulations’.  The ‘baby fat’ comment should have ended in an ass kicking.  And I would have done it too, if it weren’t for all the weightlifting and mixed martial arts.  So I got you this Mockable instead.  Enjoy it you misogynist mop-headed jackass…then die in a fire.