Mockers for Hire: The Charlene Rose Edition

Mockers for Hire is a professional mocking service provided by mockable.org.  Just paypal us $49.95, give us a mailing address and a description of the person you want mocked and we’ll mock the living shit out of them. (400 word minimum)   We might even berate and verbally abuse them for no additional charge.  What can we say…we love our job. We’ll also provide you a framed print of the mock to leave on their desk while they’re at break.  It beats the hell out of that pathetic, passive-aggressive piece-of-shit note you were going to leave on their chair.   Seriously…college ruled?  The Dollar Store frame and HP color graphics will really show that you care – and the professional mocking will prove to that sexual harrassing sonofabitch that you mean business.  Mockers for Hire – giving people  shit who may or may not deserve it since 2009…Give us a try!

 Charlene X. Rose of Naperville, IL!  Guess what?  You’re today’s winner!  Come on down and we’ll talk for a little bit about all the shit that’s wrong with you. 

When I first looked at this picture, I thought that it was some sort of cheesy, stock photo of a business woman.  Then I looked into your eyes.  I can see the crazy.  I can see the insecurity that caused you to blame yourself when you found out Steven was cheating on you.  Wait, maybe that’s just a general look of insecurity…Well anyway, in case you didn’t know, Steven is cheating on you, you should blame yourself.  I can see the nervousness.  I bet a loud fart would send you diving under the desk.  Oh, and I can tell you’re not really on the phone.  What kind of disingenuous shitbag pretends like they’re on the phone for the company directory picture?

Charlene – you don’t have fibromyalgia.  No one does.  So shut up.  We don’t care about new fibromyalgia research or drugs.  We have no interest in discussing your fatigue and “general aches and pains”. We do care, however, that everybody else has to do your stupid job when you call in twice a freakin’ week because your “symptoms” are acting up.  Your job is to answer the phone and shuffle paper, if you can sit at home and play World of Warcraft…and then blog about World of Warcraft in the voice of your character (yes, we know about the blog)…and then post podcasts about World of Warcraft in the voice of your character (yes, we know about the podcast and no, you’re not a good actor) then you can certainly come answer the phone and shuffle papers, asshole.

Do you believe, Charlene, that the flatus of a 100 pound woman is somehow undetectable? Because, wow!  We are scared to go anywhere near your work area.  We went into your office during one of your many “fibro days” to steal some stamps and the entire room smelled of stale vegan farts.  I know you were mad when we opened the window and let your shit blow all over, but it was a public service, believe you me sister! 

The good news is that we know exactly what foods to run away from if we want to avoid having the ‘vegan gas of death’ because you constantly subject us to condescending rants about what you eat and instruct us that if we’d eat the same things, we’d be happy and healthy like you…you know, the bitch that calls in sick on Monday and Friday and fills the building with ‘veggie crap vapors’ from Tuesday through Thursday…the bitch who is always either judging people or complaining that she is being unfairly judged…the bitch who is so addicted to a fake world filled with weirdos who masturbate to hentai that she invented a disease so she could stay home and hang out with them more often…the bitch with the crazy, crazy eyes who is talking on the phone to no one.