Mockers for Hire: The Denise Patreece Edition

Mockers for Hire is a professional mocking service provided by mockable.org.  Just paypal us $49.95, give us a mailing address and a description of the person you want mocked and we’ll mock the living shit out of them. (400 word minimum)   We might even berate and verbally abuse them for no additional charge.  What can we say…we love our job. We’ll also provide you a framed print of the mock to leave on their desk while they’re at break.  It beats the hell out of that pathetic, passive-aggressive piece-of-shit note you were going to leave on their chair.   Seriously…college ruled?  The Dollar Store frame and HP color graphics will really show that you care – and the professional mocking will prove to that sexual harrassing sonofabitch that you mean business.  Mockers for Hire – giving people  shit who may or may not deserve it since 2009…Give us a try!

Denise Patreece of Washington D.C. is up next.  That’s right, her name is Denise fucking Patreece.  We’re told that she used to be plain old Denise Babcock – the annoying lady that filled her work day by providing unsolicited political commentary and allowing her goddamned kids to tromp around the office and get boogers and sticky all over everything.  Then she married William Patreece, a short fat man whose is trained as an attorney and works as a lobbyist for the American cheese industry.  I know we’re being paid to mock Denise here and I realize that it is more complicated than it sounds, but can you imagine what your life would be like if you spent every working day arguing with important people about cheese?  Eventually I would be like, “Okay, I am being paid to ask you to increase foreign cheese tariffs while protecting subsidies paid to the American dairy industry, but if I say the word ‘cheese’ one more time I am going to fuckin’ kill myself.  Can we just talk about the Redskins or something for the next hour?”

Now that I really look at him, he probably doesn’t mind talking about cheese all day.   William has some profound rat-like attributes.  He has those puffy, cheese-filled cheeks and the pointy nose. I bet he has allergies that cause him to sniff all the time like a big, fat rattus norvegicus on the prowl for some gouda. The guy just screams cheese.  Also, “screams cheese” would be a good name for my next band.

Some people have children from previous marriages.  Denise has three children from previous instances when she was a giant slut. Frankly, she is the kind of woman that could be wooed into bed by a fat man whose best pickup line revolves around cheese.  These kids are always in the office, running around like they own the place.  Remember when Staples sent that “easy button” to everyone that ordered office supplies?  The staff put it in her office and let her dumb kids press the button all day long.  “Wow, that was easy,” over and over again.  She thought they were laughing because her little snot machines were being cute.  In reality, our laughter was a celebration of whoredom and irony. Denise – you are as dumb as you are promiscuous.

Despite being loud and annoying, Denise’s children are also stupid and perpetually covered with snot.  No one wants to make fun of a child.  They don’t know better and they can’t help it, but goddamn it Denise – the staff can’t turn in work covered in crayola and boogers.  I mean, it wouldn’t be so bad if it was a couple of times a year, but those little bastards are constantly in the office fighting with each other and spraying everything with mucus.  Everyone wants to complain to the boss and put a stop to it but Denise is the General Manager and therefore is the boss.  There’s not much the District Manager can do after what happened at the Christmas party.

Fortunately, for an extra $4.99 each, framed copies of this mock are on their way to the corporate office as well as each individual member of the Board.  However, no one is guaranteeing that it will do any good. The reach of Denise’s “cheese catcher” might very well go all the way to the top.  Or maybe Denise Patreece is such a valuable member of the team that corporate will look the other way.  I mean, when she’s not sitting there in the office fighting with her kids, Denise is going from cube to cube asking people if they too are worried about the wholesale corruption and fraud that will come with the new health care bill that she didn’t read and wouldn’t have understood if she had tried.  Work like that has got to be boosting bottom lines all over this place.

Denise – if you could just find a daycare, keep your cheesehooks to yourself and wax ignorant about something besides politics…we might be able to get along.  We still wouldn’t know what you actually do here…but we could co-exist.  Any chance you might work on that stuff?  Otherwise our last resort is planting some sort of cheese-covered contraband in your desk and calling the cops.