Mockers for Hire: The Lance Weinberg Edition

Mockers for Hire is a professional mocking service provided by mockable.org.  Just paypal us $49.95, give us a mailing address and a description of the person you want mocked and we’ll mock the living shit out of them. (400 word minimum)   We might even berate and verbally abuse them for no additional charge.  What can we say…we love our job. We’ll also provide you a framed print of the mock to leave on their desk while they’re at break.  It beats the hell out of that pathetic, passive-aggressive piece-of-shit note you were going to leave on their chair.   Seriously…college ruled?  The Dollar Store frame and HP color graphics will really show that you care – and the professional mocking will prove to that sexual harrassing sonofabitch that you mean business.  Mockers for Hire – giving people  shit who may or may not deserve it since 2009…Give us a try!
Hey you!  Yeah you…Lance Weinberg of Keokuk, Iowa.  Your coworkers think you suck it sideways.  We didn’t just take their word for it either.  This time the mockers decided that it was about more than just the fifty bucks.  We decided that we weren’t going to just phone it in this time and call you a smelly child molester or whatever…we wanted to really get in there and see what makes Lance Weinberg tick.  Turns out we didn’t get too far until we had to quit and back away out of sheer disgust.

We stepped back and objectively observed your existence from a distance.  It didn’t take long to determine that your performance was, in fact, exponentially beyond the measuring capacity of our professionally-calibrated suck-o-meter.  Throughout the long and storied history of sucking, you have managed to transcend what were previously believed to have been the boundaries of suck.  Because of your suckiness alone, there is no longer a visible suck-time continuum…from here, and because of you Lance…it is all suck as far as the telescopically-aided eye can see.

Not that there’s any hope for you Lance, but here’s a piece of advice…when you start a new job, it’s best to just keep your fat stupid mouth shut.  If someone teaches you how to do something you already know how to do – say, for example, close out the month in the ERP – it’s best just to ungape your fucking maw and do as you’re taught.  If you manage to do it well, you look like a quick learner and the person who tells you what to do feels like a good teacher.  Everyone’s happy.  If instead you choose to snort and say, “I know how to do this, I’ve been doing it for the last twelve years at my old job.” And then you proceed to condescendingly advise your teacher  of your “better” ways to close out the month in the ERP, you look like a bucket of mung.  I am sure that on some level you actually believe that your new coworkers will just marvel at your superior knowledge and accept you all the faster…but it’s just not true Lance.  It makes them call you a doosh behind your back.

We are relatively confident that you spent the tenth grade in the back of the class with the rest of the soon-to-be frat boys, discussing something latently homoerotic and therefore missed the science classes that taught the rest of us how smell works.  You see Lance, smells have mass, you cockstain. When you smell something, your nose is detecting molecules floating around in the air, dickwad.  As you breathe in, shitface, air goes up your nose and then curves down toward your moronic throat. Right there inside your head at the top of your nostrils where the air is moving relatively slowly, molecules in the air dissolve or mix into the mucus in your pointy ratlike nose. Epithelial olfactory receptor cells (smell cells) embedded in the lining of your nose with tails (cilia) dangling in the mucus can then detect different types of molecules mixed in with air. They’re so sensitive that they can detect as few as 1 molecule in about 10 million, you fucking dolt.  One thing smells are incapable of, you miserable pig, is containing themselves within a four foot high cubicle.  So asshole…do you think it might be possible to help us all out and unplug the goddamned “spring rain” air freshener?  When it mixes with your body odor, it creates a smell phenomenon that can only be described as “holy fucking Lord!”

Finally, this is not by any measure one of your most annoying traits (e.g. the picture of you and your little sister in swimwear on your desk) but the guys at the office asked that we touch on it.  Lance, we know you are interested in making an impression.  But once again, nobody is going to be impressed that you literally took the wrench from Trina’s hand and started taking apart her IKEA office furniture for her – despite the fact that you had no idea what she was trying to accomplish.  Did you ever wonder why after you were “finished”, she spent the afternoon sitting on the floor, sobbing quietly and desperately attempting to reassemble her credenza?  Lance, if we need help, we’ll ask for it.  Just do us all a favor and sit there with you mouth shut and manipulate the ERP…you know, since you’re such a fucking expert and all.