Monday Guest Mock: All the Candy That Sucks

That’s right boys and girls, it’s our very first Monday Guest Mock.  This one comes from bigbearinOH, making him the first guest mocker to go back-to-back. It’s funny, it’s timely and you can only find it here!  It’s a day of firsts here in the land of mockers and I’m starting to tear up a little bit…let’s go ahead and get to the mocking before I embarrass myself:

Going through a kid’s Halloween trick-or-treat bag can be a great source of amusement, due to the ridiculous shit that people actually try to pass off as treats. Let’s see here, our first candy contender: Mary Janes…what the hell is a mary jane? It obviously isn’t the kind of mary jane that most of the redneck inhabitants of my neck of the wood imbibe in, so I actually googled this nasty concoction, to see just what the hell it is. Turns out it’s supposed to taste like peanut butter and molasses. Who the hell makes a molasses-based candy? Christ, I think that stuff went out of style in like 1845.

The next wonderful treat I ran into was a supposedly healthy treat known as homemade trail mix. First, who makes their own trail mix? Second, who in their right mind is going to eat strangely shaped stuff out of a ziplock bag that is handed out by the cat lady down the street? Seriously, this shit could be meow mix and rat poison for all I know, so that stuff immediately gets thrown away.

 Third pick out of the bag is what looks at first to be some type of gummi candy, but actually ends up being an eraser, or so I’m informed. What kind of monster gives out office supplies as trick or treat disbursements? Let me guess, you work for the jackass dentist that gives out toothbrushes, and does a Halloween candy trade in for toothpaste. Wotta ripoff.

 Next, we’ve got dueling douchebags on this street, obviously. First one is an apple. Seriously? An apple? You gave out an apple as a trick or treat item? That’s ridiculous. Then your neighbor has to go and trump it by giving out popcorn balls. First of all, kids don’t give a crap about popcorn balls, or the fact that it’s your great-grandmother’s recipe for them. Give the kids a king size kit-kat, you dick, or don’t participate. Nobody really wants to be the kid that comes home all excited about a frickin popcorn ball.

 Then we’ve got the guy handing out religious tracts. My kids don’t care about your weird beliefs, or the fact that your religion doesn’t celebrate birthdays/holidays/Christmas etc. or that you think they’re going straight to hell for wearing costumes They came out in those cute little costumes to freeze their butts off in this Ohio weather for candy. Loads and loads of candy. So much, in fact, that they have to dump half of it off to me to pick through while they hit the rest of this neighborhood. So take ‘em elsewhere, you half-assed Billy Graham,’cause we’re not interested.

 This is where it really takes a turn for the worse, because we come up to the hippie house. These people wear tie-dye all year long, and have goats in their yard, because that’s what is “hip” and “green” this year. They’re passing out organic carrots in bags. Thank God the kids skipped that house altogether. I don’t want to have to try to get the hippie funk out of their costumes, or hear my son talk about how they told him his soldier costume is against their beliefs. The kid’s already got camo, so it saved me a couple bucks, and a fake gun isn’t hard to find.

 The next guy is handing out circus peanuts. Who actually eats those? It’s like Styrofoam, but you can’t even make homemade napalm out of ‘em. Circus peanuts are the creepy uncle of the candy world, nobody really wants to have them, but everybody puts up with them until they can get rid of them.

 The final winner on our trick or treat catastrophe is handing out pennies. Yeah, pennies. He keeps telling kids “A penny saved is a penny earned” and “When you’re my age, this will be worth a whole bunch of money”. My kids aren’t taking investment advice from you, Charles Schwab, because obviously, if you’d have invested wisely, you’d be giving out dollar bills, or better yet, fifties. Can you imagine what a ten year old would do with fifty bucks? Probably spend it on junk food and crappy toys made in china, but who knows.

 All in all, I’d call this year of trick or treat a mildly successful trip. Now excuse me while I go take all the good stuff out of their bags while they’re sleeping off their candy comas.

If you’d like to contribute a Guest Mock please send it to mockable[at]gmail.com – I’m looking at you BlondeGoddess.  If it’s funny and won’t get us sued, we’ll most likely feature it at the site.  And don’t forget to include the address to your blog or website, so we can link back at ya.  Thanks!