Monday Guest Mock: An Open Letter to My Insane Coworker

This special Monday installment of our Guest Mock series is being handled by our pal bigbearinOH.  Check it out, go down to the comments and say something nice for a change, would ya?  Your mother would be proud.  On with the mockin’:

You are insane. I cannot stand you. A list of reasons why is below.

1. Your insane lack of personal space awareness

1. If you are sick, especially with the flu, either stay home, or stay 4+ feet from me at all times.

2. If you tell me your kids are sick with something that sound strangely like the Ebola virus, stay 5+ feet from me at all times. I don’t need that.

i. If your kids have been up all night and are sick, I do not want to hear details about texture, color or quantity. I don’t have kids, and even if I did, I still wouldn’t care about yours.

ii. If you can’t get them into the doctor, do not bring them into work. I do not want your little snot-nosed minions of death bringing their virulent walking corpses into contact with myself or any of the surfaces in our workspace.

2. You have no idea what you are doing here.

1. If you do not know the most basic details of your job, please find another job. We work with the public on a daily basis, and are expected to know most details of our job. You obviously do not, and make no effort to learn them.

i. Learn to Google. It is a valuable skill, and will even help with your atrocious spelling and grammar habits.

ii. There are various job aids that are available to us, and even paid training seminars. Please look up/attend these. I don’t have all day to answer your questions, it’s just not fair to my customers.

iii. If you are going to leave for lunch, let your coworkers know in advance. I have a 1:15 lunch date, and you walk up to me at 1:10 and say that you’re taking a 45 minute lunch to smoke in your car—I don’t think so.

3. You refuse to show up.

1. I don’t have a problem with you being here, just show up when you’re supposed to.

i. If the schedule says 9:45, show up before 10:15. That’s all I’m saying on that one.

ii. Do not complain when your check is short because you didn’t work any hours. It’s not my fault that you’re poor due to a lack of hours.

iii. Do not blame your kids or your parents. You are an adult. Take responsibility for your own situation.

iv. It is not your landlord’s fault that you can’t get out of the driveway. You rent a house, shovel the snow off the driveway or get a snow blower. Plan ahead. The roads will be plowed, I promise. This is Ohio.

v. If you find it necessary to leave early, make sure it’s a valid excuse. If I see you one more time out in public on a day when you were supposed to be sick, I’m going to hit you with a weed eater.

vi. Don’t complain because you already used your FMLA up. It’s not my fault you faked an illness for 6 months.

4. There is a dress code here for a reason.

1. The company provides you with a set number of business casual shirts. If you could wear these, and only these, we’d really appreciate it.

i. They’re supposed to be tucked in, and worn with khakis. Not brown colored jeans, khakis.

ii. If you’re going to wear gaudy earrings, at least make sure they’re not annoying in any way. I’m talking about jingling, spinning or otherwise novelty earrings.

iii. Nobody wants to see your lower back tattoo.

5. Separate your personal life and your business life.

1. If you took 2 phone calls a day, and made them quick, it’d be fine, but 12+ phone calls during an 8 hour shift, averaging 20 minutes a piece, means that you only worked for 4 hours, two more of which were probably taken up by smoke breaks or your husband stopping in.

i. If he’s going to stop in, make it quick.

ii. If you’re going to smoke, at least have the common courtesy to shut the back door, and don’t do it while I’m having lunch.

iii. If you’re making a phone call, do it off the business floor.

iv. If it’s something pressing or business related, fine. If you’re gossiping about your neighbor, do it at home.

6. Don’t ask me to borrow money, find your cousin a job, or use my connections to help you out.

1. My connections, both professional and business, are mine. Do not ask me to “hook you up”.

i. I will not help you find deals. See point 2Ai—learn to google.

ii. I will not let you have my customers because your sales are down.

iii. Do not expect me to lend you money, because I know you won’t pay me back.