Monday Guest Mock: Fudging Your Numbers

Here’s another one from Emily.  Have I mentioned that I love mocks from Emily?  If this girl gets any cooler (and if my number 4 pipe somehow becomes a number 10), the wife better look out.

Um Steve, I think you may have exaggerated a bit on the size of your pipe.

So I know that it is human nature to fudge your numbers a bit-and men and women tend to fudge different numbers. For women it is age and weight and for men it is height. Now I’m all for lying about my age- I like to tell people I’m about 7-8 years older than I am as this allows for all kinds of compliments on how young I look and how great and perky my breasts still are. Now I know others go opposite and try to get by with being younger, but you’re really setting yourself up for failure as someone walks away thinking if that if that is all the older you are then you must have been rode hard.

Now for weight I will admit I have a range and it has a lot to do with the time of month and what the blizzard of the month is at Dairy Queen, and my driver’s license reflects the low end of that spectrum but on half the days of any given month, I’m right there. This brings me to my mock. Come on people by all means fudge a bit but you have to make it believable. I mean I could say I weigh 20 pounds less than I do but since my name isn’t Mary Kate or Ashley, nobody would believe me or take me seriously, they might even think me delusional.

That being said, the rest of this is for all the men that try to convince me that they are 6-8 inches taller than they really are. Average height for women in the U.S. is 5 foot 4 (or so says my 3 minutes of online research) so I am slightly taller than average at 5 foot 7 but I am not freakishly tall. Now I have arrived at this number based on medical records and I don’t believe them to be wrong. Average height for a male in this country is about 5 foot 8. Average meaning about half will fall above this number and half below. There is nothing wrong with being shorter than this, it is what it is and one has to learn to live with ones height, but there is something horribly wrong with being 5-2 at best, eye level with the bottom of my head and trying to tell me that you are 5-8. I will go along with this as I am nice like that but if, at this point of a conversation (that I did not initiate) you try to tell me that I am some sort of amazon I will laugh. It is one thing to lie to yourself but it is a bit over the top to try to tell that I am wrong about my height and if you are one of these men who suffer from little man’s syndrome and habitually add a half a foot to your measurements, there is no doubt in my mind that you have left in your wake a bunch of disappointed women who didn’t realize until it was too late that your 10 inch pipe was really 4.

Due to my profound douchishness, we are down to one guest mock.  As there is no end of my douchishness in site, please send more guest mocks to mockable (at) gmail.com.  Either we’ll make you famous or I will make you feel all creepy and gross by talking about my pipe…either way it should be fun.