My Lunch Was Loaded With Filth And Innuendo!
Dear Mockable Editorial Board,
Our entire culture is going to hell on a hand truck. Everything today is sex, sex, sex, iPhones, and sex. It disgusts me almost to the point of physical illness, every time I set foot outside my apartment.
Indeed, just today I had lunch at a local sandwich shop, and I’ve never been more disgusted in all my life. The entire meal was simply loaded with filth and innuendo! Sure, it might’ve looked like an innocent combination platter to the untrained eye, but I know differently.
It’s true that I’m a conservatively-dressed, well-educated, clean-living 74 year old gentleman, but a person would do well not to underestimate my powers of observation. I see what’s going on around me, as clear as the bright blue sky. Believe me, I’m not quite ready for the Alpo grinders just yet!
For instance, the outrageous meal I was served today, by degenerates with fishing tackle insinuated into their flesh… It was appalling! I’d like to take this opportunity to break the whole thing down for you, and illustrate in detail the very depths to which our culture has sunk.
Sirs, following is what I was served this afternoon, right here in our “nice” suburban neighborhood, at one of our “wholesome” local dining establishments…
Toast, made from bread: A loaf of bread, of course, is usually shaped like a huge phallis, and serves as the cornerstone for most modern sandwiches: an enormous penis-shaped baked good. Why can’t bread be a triangle? I’ll tell you why: because the whole country is bubbling over in perverts!
Ham: They served it slightly bunched, and hanging off the edges of the bread, looking, for all the world, like the vulva, labia majora, etc. The waitress was even careful to turn the side of the sandwich that was most vagina-like toward me. Then she said, “Here ya go.” What a whore!
Lettuce: “Lettuce patch” is a well-known slang phrase, meaning female pubic hair. I remember hell-bound boys at school saying it: “I wouldn’t mind taking a run through her lettuce patch!” These boys are men now, undoubtedly insane and syphilitic. They’re probably housed in a horrible asylum somewhere, sitting atop a stadium cushion made entirely of their own solid waste.
Tomatoes: Similarly, “tomatoes” is what many degenerates call female breasts: “Wow, nice tomatoes!” These men are like wild animals, driven by a primal urge to continuously mount and thrust, mount and thrust, mount and thrust! …I was just physically ill in a sauce pan.
Cheese: This, I believe, has something to do with male homosexuality, or possibly something even worse. “Do you want cheese on that?” No sir, I do not. You can keep your so-called “cheese” in the darkened alleyways and hell-dens, and leave me out of it. I don’t even want to know what you’re talking about.
Mayonnaise: Decorum and proper breeding will not permit me to even discuss it.
Clam Chowder: This was the most painful of all… I’m not proud of it, and it’s something that will surely cost me in the afterlife, but when I was a young man I temporarily strayed from the straight and narrow.
Unfortunately it’s true. For most of a summer, and on into the fall, I consumed alcoholic beverages in pool halls, caroused with questionable “ladies,” and just generally “jitterbugged with the devil.”
I’m not sure how they did it, but the smell of yesterday’s chowder took me back to the absolute pinnacle of my darkest hour: July 14, 1955. Approximately 11:30 pm, in the third base coach’s box at the local Little League field, her name was Connie…
And that’s all I’m going to say on that dreadful subject. Hardly a night goes by when I don’t cry myself to sleep thinking about it.
Mockable, I hope you agree that what’s happening to our culture is both appalling and alarming. When a decent person can’t even go to a diner for a relaxing lunch without being assaulted, continuously assaulted, by filth and sexual innuendo, we’re getting very near the end, I’m afraid.
I trust you’ll publish this note, and hope that it serves as a last-minute wake-up call to the few decent people remaining.
Sincerely, L.L.L. Anderson
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One time in high school they brought in a speaker that talked for a couple of hours about the subliminal sexualization of advertising. She put up a poster for Bob Evans or Golden Corral or some place like that that showed someone sprinkling hot sauce on a baked potato. She insisted that it was clearly supposed to simulate a penis (the hot sauce) moving to penetrate a vagina (the potato). I’m not going to claim that I’ve seen a lot of vaginas, but based on my knowledge of the subject, I decided she was full of shit. I can’t remember almost anything else about high school but I remember that…weird. Oh.. and first!
I was almost sure that the waitstaff had jerked off in the chowder and Mr. Anderson was going to say that it reminded him of being in the Navy.
Cheese: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=dick+cheese
there’s a truck driver that has clam chowder on his beard over here… 🙁
will somone please kill me?
This is classic! I am never going into another restaurant again without these subliminal images playing around in my head. Great work LLL Anderson.
In Asian countries it is far worse.
They just come right out and say it…no inuendo there at all, it’s just blunt and disgusting.
http://adult.engrish.com/
Metten, that wasn’t Dr. Frances Cress Welsing speaking was it. She’s got a thing about phalic symbols. If so, you got her “lighter” side.
@ Skully – engrish.com is a fantastically funny site for those of us living in Southeast Asia. My favorite story is about the gal that works at the car rental agency from which I rent my Nissan Tiida. I walk in there one day to pay the month’s rent and she is wearing a t-shirt that says “Too drunk to fuck”. I shit you not.
Over here they will wear anything upon which Engrish has been silk screened. Could be anything. As long as it is Engrish.
@ Taiwan On – You got an extra room man, I am so there…
Reminds me of the style of story my mother-in-law’s husband tells. Not the sex part but the old fart “back in my day” style.
Mr. Anderson you are a hoot!
That was hilarious. I enjoyed it very much. It was a nice critique on today’s dirty minded folk who see the penis in everything and blame others for the filth.
And the straw for the soda is phallic. You have to suck on it an everything. Disgusting.